New Year, New Goals

2010 - the year I turn 30 has recently begun. Scary? No... Overwhelming? Yes.

I am a goal setter & typically accomplish the goals I set out for. Looking back over the last 10 years is an eye opening experience for someone on her way to 30. Some goals met, some set without full knowledge & later abandoned, others pushed back for future accomplishment.

When I was in college, I started a business called E-Spring Works (later known as Sisarina). E-Spring Works did a great job at helping local businesses with their websites (a rather new thing to do in 2001) and showed me that running a business was definitely something worth pursuing. This month marks the 9th anniversary of my being a sole proprietor. I was able to have that be my sole income for 2 years before deciding to work for 'the man' for more real world experience. I started my business at 20 in the year I was to turn 21. My goal was to be successful enough to purchase a newer car - a few months later, I hit my goal & upgraded my 1989 Chevy to a 2000 Olds Alero in cherry red. Mission accomplished.

As a high school student, I had set my life plans to go to college, get a job, get married & have babies before I was 25. I very quickly realized that I was behind in the getting married part, so I moved across the country and at 23 jumped at the chance a little too quickly, later realizing how uninformed I was of myself & what I really wanted. The children part of my plans was also set aside when I divorced and found the company of a dog much more enchanting than the company of children. I started to change my goals to seek out a career that made me happy instead of people.

I later became a homeowner due to having the dog and feeling like it was a very adult thing to do but failed miserably when the economy went into the circular file. It was just not the place I was meant to be. I then moved across country again to continue a career I wasn't happy in only to find the field I had majored in during college & a company that fit my life goals. My ultimate goal once again was to become a business owner by 30.

Mid-2009 found me in the perfect opportunity to enjoy sole-proprietorship once again along with partnerships that allowed me to be completely on my own. By the time I hit my 29th birthday, I was in full swing ready to show the world my stuff. Sisarina was launched again in full tilt, hiring staff, growing partnerships & local relationships and obtaining & renovating office space in the rich DC suburb of Bethesda, MD.

In early 2008, I started running, signing up for races of all shapes & sizes with the intent to hit the goals I had set for myself. Stepping up to the starting line of each race is the intent to finish, however it is that may happen. I've now finished two 5K's, two 10K's, one 10-miler, and one Half-Marathon. I am training over the next 3 weeks to complete my second Half-Marathon on the C&O canal trail. It's different training in the middle of winter for a trail race compared to training for anything else but I plan to complete it, fast or slow.

My current goals have now all been accomplished - and over a year earlier than expected! I am 29, successful, have a very loyal staff and am thoroughly enjoying the blessings God has presented me with. The trials to reach this point have not been easy but God never said He would make it easy - He just said I'd never have to do it alone. I am reminded daily, even by those in my office, how much God loves me & is obviously taking care of me. He's blessed me with an incredible family of friends and those relationships are my biggest accomplishment.

A few months ago, I realized that I knew very little about my religious beliefs. I know I am a woman of faith & that God is my purpose for being here but I found that I wanted to know more. I do a daily devotional for women who are busy, which gives me snippets to think about throughout the day but I didn't feel that was enough. Even being a very active member of my church caused me to find I was missing something. My church is doing a bible study for the next few months on Daniel L Migliore's 'Faith Seeking Understanding'. It's a captivating book allowing you to be a thinker, not just a doer. I have never been one to be told what to believe & then just accept it. I've always challenged the things others believe but want to know more about how my faith is challenged and upheld. I don't feel I know it all but I feel like God has some things to show me this year.

My goal for 2010 is not to work out more, eat healthier, be a better person or find true love. I'll try to do all those things but I don't feel they are goals I need to set. My goal for 2010 is to find out more about my faith & understand it enough to be able to have a conversation about it. To know why I believe it and not because I was told to. My second goal this year is to live my faith, not just talk about it. Living worship is key... and I intend to unlock it.

Happy New Year!

Noble Character

Women of noble character are few and far between these days. Proverbs 31 talks about a wife of noble character and how she rises before her family to make them food and feeds her servants. She buys land and with the profit plants a vineyard. She goes out to far regions to get food and brings it home. She makes clothing and bedding for her family and also sells it at the local market. She's a business woman, a mother, a wife, and wonder woman. She takes care of those in her life and is the pride of her husband.

Looking at this from a single standpoint, I want to be that kind of boss to my staff, that kind of girlfriend someday, that kind of friend, roommate, daughter, sister, aunt, granddaughter, etc. I want to show my family, friends, community and workplace that I will take care of them, work with them, help them, be a woman of good character to them. God's called us to be the most we can and although this proverb is a bit outdated, it still rings true at how women have always been the ones who take care of everything for everyone.

I know that I have the best staff available from marketing and administration to design and development - not only because they know what they're doing but because they're dedicated to me. I believe that my hard work shows them that I am dedicated to them, that I will never let them down, never fail them, never give up. I will work as hard as possible for the greater good of my company which in turn gives them the chance to succeed in every way possible. If I work hard, they will also work hard. If I give to them, they will give back. While learning to be of noble character, I've learned to see the best in everyone who works with me and it has allowed me to use them to their full potential and push them past their normal boundaries. Being the best boss allows my employees to be their best selves.

Through networking I meet so many different types of people. It seems that my networking events attract the good-hearted, noble people that I want to surround myself with. If others come and don't find a fit, they don't return which allows us to continue to build up this incredible group. I have to be at my utmost during these events, introducing people to new faces, making sure no one is alone, allowing conversations to start flowing. Growing into this woman of noble character is allowing me to find my center and to give back to those people in need. I want all the people I touch to know that they are welcome, that I am happy to have met them and that I am not a woman who talks badly about others no matter the circumstances. We are only human and it's not easy to be at our best all the time but we can hope to hit our groove at some point.

In my personal life I touch so many people. Through church, at home, friends, dating, family. I have serious struggles with people in all areas of my life. Over the past 2 years I've learned more about myself than I ever have before. Just in the last 2 months I've grown in painful ways that have allowed me to open my eyes to a lot of new situations. Noble character-building is a huge part of what I am trying to accomplish in all areas of my personal life. Being a woman that God has called me to be, expects me to be and loves me for, no matter how many times I've failed. It's been a really bumpy road but growth is never easy. I keep hoping to wake up and feel that I am done growing but we're always learning about ourselves. Being the best friend I can be, loving those who cast their hate on me, figuring out how to fit in a family that is round holes when I am a square peg, finding a groove in who should be spending time with, finding new friends along the way. I feel like it's an uphill struggle but getting to the top will be so worth it.

Finally, I want to be a wife of noble character someday. Being a boss, a friend, a family member, a church community member, a lover, a networker, a roommate - these are all things I strive to be better at. Someday I hope to be the wife someone is looking for. Not that I am trying to find a husband, but my ultimate goal is to know that I have the noble character to be a partner to someone in a way that he can trust me, know me inside and out, understand that I am growing every day and accepting everything about me without my having to hide anything. To be allowed to give myself fully to one person without worry of persecution would show me that I am finally being a well-rounded woman of noble character. To find my equal - a man who hopes to be the same in return would be incredible.

A woman of noble character - I hope to be her someday in every aspect of my life. I am growing in that direction, pushing forward to the goal and know that whatever I put my mind to I will achieve. I wish this on my friends, my family and my church community. It's a tough road but a fruitful one once you find what you're looking for.

Looking Upward

"A worrying Christian is better called an Atheist," my pastor said in a sermon once. We believe that God will take care of things and then start worrying about all the details. Shouldn't we leave it all up to Him, leaning on Him knowing that He always takes care of things? Easier said than done for the mere mortals we are.

It always seems that when one thing goes bad that a bunch of others have to go with it. It can't just be a friendship ending, it has to be family issues and financial stuff added to it. When I start worrying about things I can't sleep, I don't eat and my back gets all tensed up. I end up a wreck and wondering where things went wrong. Most people feel this way when their life just gets completely out of whack.

When bad things happen, our first reaction is to ask ourselves what we did. I know that some of the things that have gone bad recently are because of my big mouth and others are things that are deep hurts from half a lifetime ago that won't ever be healed properly. Otherwise, we and the people around us may ask if we have a secret sin that could have caused God's wrath. If we are walking with God and knowing that He is in charge, we need to stop looking inward and start looking upward. Even 'good Christians' sin - we all do. No one can escape it and no one will be perfect but our walk needs to be in line with where God is going so that we can continue to be forgiven.

I was raised to feel guilt, lots and lots of guilt. My parents didn't exactly make me feel this way but the church definitely did. They list sins and tell you that you need to make sure not to commit them or God will let Satan take over. The church has a great way of making 'fire & brimstone' statements that scare us into God's presence instead of realizing that God is a loving God with His arms open wide.

The mindset I have had for 30 years is that if I commit a sin, I'll be punished for it. If I don't do exactly as I'm told, I'll have things taken away. I live wondering daily if something I did, thought or said recently might have caused the grief in my life. Wondering if God will cause my business to stop being profitable if I think something bad about someone. I try so very hard to live the way He has asked me but the guilt that wells up in me makes me wonder if I'll ever be able to attain what He has set out for me.

This last month has shown me that people can change if they put their mind to it.

• Removing all soul-ties to past relationships that need not be in my future was a tough but rewarding thing I accomplished recently and continue to accomplish every day.
  
• Putting God first in my life and making sure I spend some time with His word and in prayer each day has been very focusing.
  
• Growing a business that will help businesses grow, help my employees build a knowledge-base for future use and give me the satisfaction that I am making a difference has been a challenge that I've jumped into with both feet.
• Reading my devotions and other books that will allow me to see things from a different perspective.
  
• Being more active in the community around me and in my church family.

I have been reading 'Humility: True Greatness' by CJ Mahaney and 'The Peacemaker' by Ken Sande lately and have been finding so many things in my life and reactions to others that need to be changed. Growth is the keyword for my 30th year of life and taking that step into the unknown of my 30's is something I want to do with grace, patience, humility and excitement. Worrying will always be something I do but I plan to start looking upward more than inward wondering what I did wrong to deserve the pain.

I hope you find peace in looking up, at whatever you think is up there.

Struggling with Demons

Sitting in comfy clothes under warm blankets with a sleeping dog snuggled under a blanket next to me I realize that I have lost all thoughts of what I sat down to write. My mind meanders and stares at a wall inside my head waiting for something to zap it into attention. I think of the dancers I watched this evening in competition, the grace, fluidity of movement, peace. I think of those retired, unemployed, on vacation - quietly living their lives in a more peaceful state than my harried one. We all have worries, we all have misery sometimes but I now wonder why I allow things to get to me. My mother assured me that I have a really cool life and that I should really live it.

My thoughts drift to a dream I had last night. My friend, Shelly, a charismatic Christian, always tells me that if I want God's direction and His visions that I need to ask Him for them and be open to them. Sometimes I think she's just nuts but I know she speaks the truth. I have been struggling with one thing for about 18 months - the inability to walk away from someone that has me so entangled in it that I feel unable to leave the situation behind for good. Before I fell asleep I asked that God give me peace about leaving it behind. My dream brought me to a place that showed all my friends and family and I would leave them to go see this person without telling anyone where I was going. This continued for awhile which paralleled my life situation directly. I woke up at 3am in distress about this dream but fell back to sleep only to dream of being in a forest with the knowledge that I was to meet this person again but had misplaced my phone. I walked toward a house that I knew would have a phone but made a conscious decision to continue to walk by and go in a different direction only to leave that person with no way to contact me or me this person. I walked on and when I awoke this morning, I knew I had left the situation behind. Healing, a weight lifted, peace.

Now that I have allowed myself some space from that situation, I have been focusing on my office space situation. Up to this point, I have not been worried about renting this office space and to all who know me, they could visibly see how excited I was about it. Now that I have been approved and am moving forward with the lease, the little worry demon that seems to come around just when I'm feeling assured has crept back in to nag me. There are so many things going on and I have so many visions of what the next few months will hold but I am letting the little things pull me down and am causing myself anxiety over it. I have never needed to worry about having enough business. I've learned from so many other entrepreneur's mistakes. I know what I am doing. This seems to be a mind over matter issue that I will break. When my personal life is great, my work life isn't. When my work life is great, my personal life isn't. This is where I break that cycle. My personal life is fantastic and so is my work life. I will prevail.

Loneliness is something I continued to think I was fighting in my personal life until this past weekend. The loneliness demon is something that has had its talons in me for years. I was reassured by a very helpful and intelligent woman (my mother) this weekend who helped me see that I was not lonely and couldn't possibly be lonely. It was pure make-believe. Few people can say they have lots of people in their lives who care about them. I have more friends than I can count, more family (blood or not) than I realize and if I felt lonely, I have 150 people in my BlackBerry I could call to have an uplifting conversation with. What could possibly allow me to think that I could ever be lonely?

We all have doubts. We all worry about things. When we look back on the things we worried about, we realize how silly we were for doing so. Trust that God will take care of it for you and ask Him to do so. He wants us to lean on Him, that's why life isn't a merry-go-round. Let go of worry and let Him work in you. "Ask and you shall receive. Seek and you shall find. Knock and the door will be opened unto you." Matthew 7:7 - I'm going to start asking and stop worrying. Easier said than done but a conscious effort will be made in all aspects of my life. He has given so much to me, I just need to take it.

The No-Plan Plan

It's Saturday morning, 9am and I am exhausted from the last few weeks of endless stress, worry, busy life, networking events, running a business, being social and so much more. When I got home at 2am, I had shut my shades and curtains so I could sleep in. Stress pain from 3 years ago is back in full effect along with the pain from being in a porch swing accident 4 weeks ago. Waking up in pain is not comforting nor does it make you want to get out of bed on a Saturday morning (or any morning). Bailey crawls up next to me demanding to be touched and I lay there realizing how much I wish I had someone to hold me... a man, my mother, a friend... just to be held and comforted. Tears start streaming down my face, which seems to be a combination of physical pain and emotional pain. I grab my phone and IM Teresa while laying in bed, telling her these wishes and she promptly tells me to get pain medication and figure out a plan for the day. Our mothers are both 'deal with it' kind of people and both of us enjoy a bit of babying so she understands my need for comfort.

Knowing that my real plan for the day was to clean my house, get laundry done and do some catching up for work, I send a quick text to my fantastic friend Shelly-Belly and let her know I have no definitive plans for the weekend which prompts her to call me and announce she is at a flea market but free for the day. This causes us to realize that we should spend the day together so we devise a quick hiking scenario for Front Royal, VA and Shenandoah National Park. My face quickly turns from sadness to cheeriness. My gloomy outlook on my day became a bright and sunny outlook. As I opened my curtains, the sun opened me eyes and showed me that I really needed to be outside. Cleaning could wait.

We packed the dogs into the car and headed off on our journey of relaxation and adventure. The drive to Front Royal was uneventful aside from a short stint of ridiculous traffic on I-66 but the beauty of God's green earth was all around us and becoming more appealing the further from DC we got. The trees were in full effect, the sun was shining, the clouds were puffy and the sky was blue. I knew God had a plan for us today and it included a day of blissful rejuvenation.

Upon arrival in Front Royal, Michele & I went to Soul Mountain, a place I've been many times, and we had a fantastic lunch outside with the dogs sitting at our feet. Everyone walking by was so friendly, saying hi and petting the dogs, it felt like we were back in the 1950's. Small town mentality is just so positive and smiley. The restaurant was full and the wait staff was slow today but we were on the no-plan plan and were not in any hurry to get moving. We stopped by the local Daily Grind and got coffee and set off for Shenandoah National Park.

There are not words to describe the beauty of this park. The hills and valleys, the lusciously-filled forests, so green and captivating. Slow 'Sunday driving' and just taking in all the views was part of the no-plan plan. Instead of figuring out where we were going, we felt like God needed to lead us to a place to hike. At the same time we pointed to a quiet spot we could park and walk into the woods. Not 10 minutes into the walk did we come across huge stones overlooking the whole valley. Sitting on top of these stones with the dogs was a little piece of heaven. The peace and quiet, the views, the sun and clouds, the obvious love from our animals, the friendship... God. Everything was right with the world at that moment. Everything was perfect. No worry, no stress, nothing. Bliss.

Hiking for another 30-45 minutes, we found our way back to the car with tired dogs and relaxed glances at each other. I had been tweeting about our little trip and received a message from a good friend of ours, Raelinn, telling us we should come by for dinner with the dogs. We found our way to her place and had a fantastic dinner with wine, grilled chicken and interesting conversation on the huge porch of her beautiful house. Nestled into the woods in the peace and quiet, we found just the perfect end to our day.

On our way home tonight, we found the Christian station and were belting out uplifting music all the way home. The unending love He showed us all day allowed us to just revel in His peace. He knows just what we need but we have to let Him lead us to it. I know this is true about so many things in my life. I need His peace and His comfort, not the physical comfort of anyone else. I need Him and should call on Him when I need it. He never said he wouldn't allow things to happen in our lives but He did tell us that when we needed it, we'd be held. Today, He proved that He would hold me by placing a strong woman in my life who would allow me a little bit closer and just enjoy an incredible day.

Cheers to the no-plan plan and the rest of this incredible weekend of God-filled love.

Poolside News

Rash, Megan, Abigail and I could be found at the Watergate in DC almost 2 weeks ago enjoying a quiet afternoon at the pool. With chips, cheese dip, pita & hummus, fruit and snacks, we had great conversations and started solving the world's problems, like young professionals do when they have an afternoon off. Rash even made homemade ice cream which ended up being more like a runny milkshake but the oreos and French Vanilla flavor saved it all.

We had our picture taken by a friend of Rash's mother who we later found out submitted it with a little story to the Foggy Bottom News. At almost 29, I was beaming when she thought we had all just graduated from college. :)

Here is the article for your enjoyment: Foggy Bottom News 8-19-09

Spiritual Journey: Pre-Sleep Reflections

Before your head hits the pillow at night, you start to review your day... sometimes your week and at other times the month. You say your prayers and ask that God helps you by giving you peace about your decisions, the direction of your life and who you have become. As a child you might have recited the old poem/prayer:
Now I lay me down to the sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
and if I die before I wake
I pray the Lord my soul to take.
Amen.

When you really think about it, you're tucking yourself into a little cocoon of quietness and peace where you can empty your mind and allow everything to complete itself as you drift off to sleep. This is where my problem lies. As much as I wish, pray and hope that my mind will quiet, it doesn't. As much as I beg for peace in my sleep, I never find it. When my daily life is so overwhelming through business and personal interactions, most of which I bring upon myself, I have so much to think about before I fall asleep. This, in turn, causes nightmares which causes random mornings of frustration which bleeds out throughout the day and then a calming overtakes me when I have been bled out.

My spiritual journey has kind of taken a quiet leave of absence for the last week or so. I continually do my devotions and seek time with God to pray and reflect but I seem to do more apologizing than listening. I get small epiphanies throughout the day about how I want to change, grow, listen, reflect and generally spend my time with God but I rarely write them down so I can remember them and learn from them. I know that He is still up there listening to me and hearing my cries for peace & quiet but when I can spend 2 hours fiddling around with work and only 5 minutes in His presence, is that ever going to be quite enough? It's a similar feeling with the piano. Over the last few days, I've walked by the piano in the chapel and glance in and tell myself I'll take 15 minutes to go play it and sing with the incredible acoustics but then I never do. Something that could give me so much pleasure, just like God, gives me nothing because I don't take it.

I have realized even more so lately that I've been given incredible women in my life to keep me occupied while I try to live in my 'non-dating' world. Dating my girlfriends has become quite an honor and an adventure that I am happily growing into. I met with a few of the #DCTwirlies on Tuesday and some of the late-30's women were talking about how it seems that they were pushed as college grads to move into the next step of life which was marriage and kids. They realize now that it might not have ever been what they were to do and they are happy with how their lives have turned out. Single, entrepreneurs with great friends and a healthy, traveling lifestyle. I listen to them at almost 29 and find myself happy to hear it. Everyone keeps saying 'you have time' - what do I have time for? What if I don't want time? I am very happily settled into my life as a single entrepreneur sans children.

As I've said before, I have a hard time being 'alone' but really enjoy my alone time. My ex-husband is re-married, my most recent ex is already actively dating and I've realized that the lyrics are true: 'You aren't the first, you won't be the last. I don't have anything you want, you don't have anything I need.' I'm happy that everyone is finding what they are looking for... I've just come to realize that I don't know enough about me to even know what it was if it smacked me on the mouth. That is what this year is for... finding what I need, figuring out what I want and, in the end, being me. My friends like me and it's not like I only have 2 friends. I like me, which is more than I could ever have said 6 months ago.

This is my stream of pre-sleep thoughts. Maybe if they are released from my head onto this screen I'll have purged them all along with the Barbies I dropped in the trash last night.