Before your head hits the pillow at night, you start to review your day... sometimes your week and at other times the month. You say your prayers and ask that God helps you by giving you peace about your decisions, the direction of your life and who you have become. As a child you might have recited the old poem/prayer:
Now I lay me down to the sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
and if I die before I wake
I pray the Lord my soul to take.
Amen.
When you really think about it, you're tucking yourself into a little cocoon of quietness and peace where you can empty your mind and allow everything to complete itself as you drift off to sleep. This is where my problem lies. As much as I wish, pray and hope that my mind will quiet, it doesn't. As much as I beg for peace in my sleep, I never find it. When my daily life is so overwhelming through business and personal interactions, most of which I bring upon myself, I have so much to think about before I fall asleep. This, in turn, causes nightmares which causes random mornings of frustration which bleeds out throughout the day and then a calming overtakes me when I have been bled out.
My spiritual journey has kind of taken a quiet leave of absence for the last week or so. I continually do my devotions and seek time with God to pray and reflect but I seem to do more apologizing than listening. I get small epiphanies throughout the day about how I want to change, grow, listen, reflect and generally spend my time with God but I rarely write them down so I can remember them and learn from them. I know that He is still up there listening to me and hearing my cries for peace & quiet but when I can spend 2 hours fiddling around with work and only 5 minutes in His presence, is that ever going to be quite enough? It's a similar feeling with the piano. Over the last few days, I've walked by the piano in the chapel and glance in and tell myself I'll take 15 minutes to go play it and sing with the incredible acoustics but then I never do. Something that could give me so much pleasure, just like God, gives me nothing because I don't take it.
I have realized even more so lately that I've been given incredible women in my life to keep me occupied while I try to live in my 'non-dating' world. Dating my girlfriends has become quite an honor and an adventure that I am happily growing into. I met with a few of the #DCTwirlies on Tuesday and some of the late-30's women were talking about how it seems that they were pushed as college grads to move into the next step of life which was marriage and kids. They realize now that it might not have ever been what they were to do and they are happy with how their lives have turned out. Single, entrepreneurs with great friends and a healthy, traveling lifestyle. I listen to them at almost 29 and find myself happy to hear it. Everyone keeps saying 'you have time' - what do I have time for? What if I don't want time? I am very happily settled into my life as a single entrepreneur sans children.
As I've said before, I have a hard time being 'alone' but really enjoy my alone time. My ex-husband is re-married, my most recent ex is already actively dating and I've realized that the lyrics are true: 'You aren't the first, you won't be the last. I don't have anything you want, you don't have anything I need.' I'm happy that everyone is finding what they are looking for... I've just come to realize that I don't know enough about me to even know what it was if it smacked me on the mouth. That is what this year is for... finding what I need, figuring out what I want and, in the end, being me. My friends like me and it's not like I only have 2 friends. I like me, which is more than I could ever have said 6 months ago.
This is my stream of pre-sleep thoughts. Maybe if they are released from my head onto this screen I'll have purged them all along with the Barbies I dropped in the trash last night.
Now I lay me down to the sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
and if I die before I wake
I pray the Lord my soul to take.
Amen.
When you really think about it, you're tucking yourself into a little cocoon of quietness and peace where you can empty your mind and allow everything to complete itself as you drift off to sleep. This is where my problem lies. As much as I wish, pray and hope that my mind will quiet, it doesn't. As much as I beg for peace in my sleep, I never find it. When my daily life is so overwhelming through business and personal interactions, most of which I bring upon myself, I have so much to think about before I fall asleep. This, in turn, causes nightmares which causes random mornings of frustration which bleeds out throughout the day and then a calming overtakes me when I have been bled out.
My spiritual journey has kind of taken a quiet leave of absence for the last week or so. I continually do my devotions and seek time with God to pray and reflect but I seem to do more apologizing than listening. I get small epiphanies throughout the day about how I want to change, grow, listen, reflect and generally spend my time with God but I rarely write them down so I can remember them and learn from them. I know that He is still up there listening to me and hearing my cries for peace & quiet but when I can spend 2 hours fiddling around with work and only 5 minutes in His presence, is that ever going to be quite enough? It's a similar feeling with the piano. Over the last few days, I've walked by the piano in the chapel and glance in and tell myself I'll take 15 minutes to go play it and sing with the incredible acoustics but then I never do. Something that could give me so much pleasure, just like God, gives me nothing because I don't take it.
I have realized even more so lately that I've been given incredible women in my life to keep me occupied while I try to live in my 'non-dating' world. Dating my girlfriends has become quite an honor and an adventure that I am happily growing into. I met with a few of the #DCTwirlies on Tuesday and some of the late-30's women were talking about how it seems that they were pushed as college grads to move into the next step of life which was marriage and kids. They realize now that it might not have ever been what they were to do and they are happy with how their lives have turned out. Single, entrepreneurs with great friends and a healthy, traveling lifestyle. I listen to them at almost 29 and find myself happy to hear it. Everyone keeps saying 'you have time' - what do I have time for? What if I don't want time? I am very happily settled into my life as a single entrepreneur sans children.
As I've said before, I have a hard time being 'alone' but really enjoy my alone time. My ex-husband is re-married, my most recent ex is already actively dating and I've realized that the lyrics are true: 'You aren't the first, you won't be the last. I don't have anything you want, you don't have anything I need.' I'm happy that everyone is finding what they are looking for... I've just come to realize that I don't know enough about me to even know what it was if it smacked me on the mouth. That is what this year is for... finding what I need, figuring out what I want and, in the end, being me. My friends like me and it's not like I only have 2 friends. I like me, which is more than I could ever have said 6 months ago.
This is my stream of pre-sleep thoughts. Maybe if they are released from my head onto this screen I'll have purged them all along with the Barbies I dropped in the trash last night.
