I'm a barefoot runner. I'm a woman. I live in one of the richest communities in the US. I feel safe when I leave my home. Every single time.

I am one of the few.

The living that I make does not afford me the level of comfort that I live in. I am truly blessed and have to remind myself daily to thank God for the blessings He keeps piling on my head. My income is well-below the level it should be for this area, yet I thrive here. When it comes down to it, I should be living in an area that would have me looking shifty-eyed at every person who passes me.

I run the Bethesda Trolley Trail, a beautiful trail that goes through neighborhoods of homes with people who drive Land Rovers and BMW SUV's. I run past people walking their dogs, a YMCA that costs $160/mo, a private Catholic school, a park, million-dollar homes, a prep school, Whole Foods. I see other runners, friends walking & chatting, and cyclists heading to work. I've never felt worried or scared while running.

Reading Runner's World this month, there is a story about a Ugandan man who was running and found a dozen kids sleeping under a bus to keep warm because their parents had all been shot. He took them in and paid for their care and food even though he had nothing. I think about what I would do in the same situation. I'm never going to find a dozen homeless children on any of my runs... most of the kids in my neighborhoods couldn't find Uganda on a map.

There are stories all the time about women who are kidnapped, raped, beaten, and left for dead in the woods while they were running in the dark. I run at 5:30 or 6am almost every day. I have never worried about someone jumping out at me while I'm running. I sometimes wonder what I would do if it happened but I'm typically thinking about my cadence and where my foot is landing.

I'm a woman. A tall one, but still a woman. I run in all black in the dark. I feel like a bit of a badass when I'm flying through neighborhoods in my Vibram FiveFingers. I do BodyCombat as a cross-training exercise but I doubt I'd ever be able to combat someone if they came at me. I'm strong but not that strong. I could run away but I'm not really that fast. I'm just a runner... a runner who is privileged enough to run in a safe neighborhood. It's a God thing, I know that. I thank Him every morning for the beautiful moon and the gorgeous sunrise... for the trees and the quiet spaces I get to softly run through.

I'm a woman. I feel safe when I leave my home. I'm a runner. I'm blessed. I'm safe.

But how can I help other women feel safe where they live? Even if it's unsafe. I'll have to work that out on my next run.

I'm not a big resolutions girl.

In 2006, my mom said "Instead of trying to work out or eat healthier this year, let's get our passports. That will be our goal for the year." Two months later, I found tickets to London & a hotel near Hyde Park for 10 days for $800/pp. My mom thought we were just getting our passports that year but I thought bigger. We booked it and got our passports. That September, we had an incredible vacation together.

Being a new year, it's always a time for people to say "I'm going to be a better person by_____." It's a nice thought but most people end up forgetting their resolutions after a few weeks (or days). Many have no idea why they decided to do it in the first place. Most of these resolutions are about eating healthier, taking care of our bodies, exercising more, doing things on a daily basis... but those should be things we make habits, not resolutions.

With 2011 being my year of intentionality (at Sisarina AND in my personal life), I've made 2012 a year of leadership for Sisarina and a year of habit-forming for my personal life. Throughout December, I started making new habits of exercising at least 30-minutes a day, spending more time praying and giving myself some quiet time. This showed me that determination will get me everywhere and what I succeeded most at was the exercising (I know, shocker). So, it's time for me to create more new habits and to pound in the ones I've recently created.

GOALS FOR 2012:
BODY:
    - Run 1200 miles
    - Run 150 of those miles completely barefoot
    - Bike 300 miles outdoors
NUTRITION:
    - detox Jan 1-28 (no sugar, dairy, alcohol, coffee)
    - give self one cheat day a week Feb 1-Dec 31
    - eat only whole foods (nothing processed)
VACATION:
    - take two out-of-town vacations
    - no computer, no phone, no TV
OFFLINE:
     - spend 24 straight hours per week offline
     - no computer, no phone, no TV

This seems feasible and attainable albeit a little hardcore. If it wasn't, I wouldn't be Melanie. I'm ready to take 2012 one step at a time.

Instead of resolutions, what have you decided to make your new habits?
 

Intentionality was the goal for 2011.

First, I applied this to Sisarina. At work, I stopped worrying about where money was coming, I blogged more, I focused on networking and bringing in more business, I hired better. My staff even supported this intentionality. Our intentionality became habit and we'll be taking it into our next year. (2012 is about leadership!)

Halfway through the year, I wondered why I wasn't feeling more intentional about my personal life. My work life was fantastic and everything was moving along perfectly but there was such discord outside of that. I started looking at being more intentional with the rest of my life and was impressed to find out that when you are intentional about everything, you get so much more joy out of life.

A month ago, I set a goal to pray more, exercise more and be more diligent about my quiet time.

MY GOALS:
4-WEEK NEW HABITS CHALLENGE:
MIND:
- commit to praying every morning & every evening
- commit to 15-min of quiet time for just reflection every day
- commit to being in bed by 11pm & waking up by 6am every day
- commit to tracking thoughts on paper daily
BODY:
- commit to 30-60min of exercise every day
- commit to eating & drinking only healthy
- commit to stretching every morning
- commit to tracking exercise on DailyMile.com daily

MIND:
PRAYER: Joshua, the incredible man I'm dating, has helped me keep this one for the month. We've been praying every morning and every evening over the phone, on Skype or in person as we can. Some days we aren't able to and I send up a little prayer but most days we pray together. It's such a blessing to have a man in my life who will pray with me and help me keep this up. It's now hard to start the day or end it without prayer. With this, Teresa and I have taken more time to sit and pray about Sisarina.

QUIET TIME: I definitely have not done this. My runs tend to be my quiet time if I don't have a running buddy. Being quiet is not easy for me but I plan to continue to focus on it. Since I haven't done this, I also haven't had the quiet time to track thoughts on paper. I hope to learn how to get my thoughts out and really listen to what God is saying through writing and quiet time in the new year.

BEDTIME: This is something I've learned to be very clear about. With all the running, I've definitely been up by 6am every day and because I've worn myself out with exercise and work, I'm typically in bed between 10-11pm. It's been so incredible getting solid nights of sleep.

BODY:
EXERCISE: As you'll see from my DailyMile.com profile, I've been very intentional about my 30-min per day. In 4 weeks, I only missed 4 days whereas I was only doing about exercise about 4 days a week. Being more intentional with a goal allowed me to begin a habit that I now plan to continue into 2012. My new goal with exercise is to run 1200 miles. That translates into about 25 miles per week. Excited to make that happen!

INTAKE: The eating & drinking only healthy didn't end up as healthy as I'd like. Because of this, I've also included being careful of what I drink in 2012. My plan is to drink only water so that I can keep my body hydrated for all the running I'll be doing. Drinking rum to combat stress has become a bit of a habit I'd like to break. Joshua & I are starting off the year with the same 4-week detox (minus wheat) that I did a few months ago. 

STRETCHING: Over the course of the month, I became more intentional about my stretching. It became habit after a run to stretch but stretching every morning? Nope. I've recently had a girlfriend convince me to start doing Bikram Yoga and another tell me she'd meet me at my office to do yoga with me. I think this will be something I need a buddy to help me with.

It's been quite an incredible month of intentionality completing my year of intentionality. Huge thanks to running & exercise buddies, David Heyman, Sam Young, and Jessica Menk. Huge love to Joshua Rennie & Teresa Thomas for praying with me. Thank you to all who encouraged me this month. Excited about more growth in 2012.
 

Hebrews 12:7 - Endure hardship as discipline...

Standing at my counter while I make dinner, sweat drips off the back of my hair and onto my neck. It's Monday night and I just finished a really hard BodyCombat class. On Thursday, I ran the Turkey Chase 10K in 56min with my friend, David (@dcborn61). On Saturday, Joshua & I ran a 4+mile hill run and on Sunday, we hiked Stony Brook Park (and by hiked, I mean, climbed a LOT of precarious stairs up to the top of a mountain so we could see the falls pictured here). My muscles ache, I really need a shower and I'm starving, but man, I feel incredible.

I'm inspired to do something.

Evernote reminded me that I had notes from last Sunday (thank you for the sync from my phone!) and after reading through them, I realized that this is something that is obviously on my heart. Pastor Todd (@swirlyfoot) gave a sermon at Church in Bethesda about the saints. He talked about the tough things they went through to become saints but they were never all talk. They had action behind their talk & endured hardship. The sermon was pointed at getting off our butts & doing something instead of just talking about it. Todd told us that each of us could be a saint in our own right if we stopped just formulating ideas and went out to put them into action.

My initial thoughts for this post were about formulating a plan for the next month to get off my butt and show myself what I'm made of physically. The verse above, Hebrews 12:7, is the beginning of a few verses (seriously, go read them) that talk about how God is our Father disciplines us for our own good and and how even when our earthly fathers have done the same, we've respected them. Being able to discipline ourselves to action allows us to correct our own paths.

MIND:
Based on what the Bible is saying here, I know I must discipline my thoughts, my words and my actions to make sure I am wholly good and holy for Him. If I can do that, I'll be wholly good to everyone around me. Being a Christian is so much more than just going to church on Sunday and praying over dinner. And although some of you may not agree with me, being a Christian isn't about just telling everyone that God will save them. Being a Christian is about being an upstanding member of your community in everything you do. It's about who you are when nobody is watching AND when everyone is watching. Finding myself standing here knowing that I'm a leader in my small community, I know it's time to correct my path.

I've always struggled with prayer and downtime. I've always had a hard time just quieting my mind. Running helps  me quiet my mind (we'll get to that next) but otherwise, I'm a million miles per hour in thought. Being able to refocus my thoughts will allow me to be a better Christian AND a generally better human to my community. Ever been around yogis? They're incredibly peaceful to everyone around them. Hmm... we'll see how this goes.
 
BODY:
This goes back to me sweating and feeling amazing yet painful after a few straight days of working out. I'm disciplining my body to do what I want it to and it's respecting me for it. For the last few years, I've been pushing myself to do more but then I fall into a comfortable pattern and end up working out only 3x a week.. maybe. This year, running has become something of an addiction for me but sometimes what I put in my body (fried food, alcohol, etc) doesn't allow me to have the drive to get up and run the next morning. While in this space, I always wonder (even though I know) why I can't break the barrier that shows me what I'm really capable of. In order for me to see results from this discipline of my body, I need to get off my butt and make it a reality.

If you repeat a behavior over and over, it becomes a habit.

My plan is to make these two behaviors good habits. Thanksgiving is now over and Christmas is on its way. These aren't insane plans for having a killer body or being a Christian saint, but they are simple actions that I want to become a part of my lifestyle, not just a phase.

4-WEEK NEW HABITS CHALLENGE:
MIND:
- commit to praying every morning & every evening
- commit to 15-min of quiet time for just reflection every day
- commit to being in bed by 11pm & waking up by 6am every day
- commit to tracking thoughts on paper daily

BODY:
- commit to 30-60min of exercise every day
- commit to eating & drinking only healthy
- commit to stretching every morning
- commit to tracking exercise on DailyMile.com daily

Now that I've written it down and said I'd do it, it's on. I'm ready... are you?
 

Vast cornfields, low-hanging fog, the occasional deer, more trees than even God can count, small dirty houses on 10 acres of land, a gravel company, an Irish golf course, an Amish farm, a tractor-trailer company, more cornfields, 15 cars in 8 miles… such a relaxing long run on a Friday morning. Western New York is ingrained my bones. It'll never leave.

Growing up in Western New York, I couldn't wait to leave. Now that I have been living elsewhere for almost 10 years, Western New York calls to me, especially when I'm stressed. It calls to me quietly but with such a strong and powerful force. The trees give way to cornfields that end at more trees. My feet hit the pavement at 7:15am in a place where sidewalks don't exist. The trails in the woods are hidden so I don't bother heading out under the tree cover for fear of getting lost. Just me, the open road and the rows and rows of corn.

Last night I sat on the enclosed porch with all the windows open listening to the crickets surrounding the house. Walking outside, it was so dark that every star was easily spotted in the black sky. There were no lights impeding their twinkling. There was nothing, aside from the sound of the occasional car and barking dog.

Today, the road and I were friends. We worked together to make sure I felt like I was flying. My Bikilas were gliding over the asphalt. My music was enlightening my cadence. The fog told me the sun was trying to break through. I watched for cars to make sure they saw me. I checked my breathing and made sure my stride was in check, my feet were touching down correctly. My body was a well-oiled machine. My mind was happy.

Around mile 4, I passed an Amish house and looked over to see a little boy about the age of four standing on his porch in black pants, bright blue button-down, suspenders and his pants open watering the flowers. It made me giggle and forget about the hill I was climbing. So unassuming… just taking my time while finding some interesting scenery. No thought to how my body felt, just knew I wanted to keep going.

At the end of my run, I saw my parents' house about half a mile away and knew it was time to make things happen. I kicked it into high gear, pushed my body past its limits and sprinted like I was heading for a finish line. I felt that amazing… like I could do anything. I finally understood what it felt like when people told me they wanted to just keep running.

Tonight, as my dad and I took my 2-year-old niece on a scooters/dirt bikes, we rode over to the Genesee River and sat in chairs covered in peeling paint and rust. I looked to my right to see Amish gentlemen fishing in the river in their full beards, black hats and bright blue shirts with suspenders on their black pants. Probably finding something delicious for dinner. Where else do you see that every day?

Western New York is peaceful. People drive slower, have less stress, enjoy life. They take in the scenery and force you to do so. I learned a lot from my run today… a lot about how I need to take in everything around me instead of always worrying about where my next step will take me. 

Written: Friday, August 5, 2011

Running is healing. It helps me grow, pushes my boundaries, gives me goals, and allows me to sweat out my problems. Running gives me focus and energy while taking away my pain. Running breaks my muscles and allows them to heal stronger. Today, I went for a 5.5 mile run in the rain... with my Vibram FiveFinger Bikilas (like always). A new path in Marlboro, New Jersey with new scenery. Running makes me stronger emotionally, physically and mentally. My rainy running thoughts:

Yikes, it's going to rain. I better hurry.

Why can't I just let go & stop hurting?

Here comes the rain.

"I've got canned heat in my heels."

God, can you just make this go away? I need peace.

Use the balls of your feet, Melanie.

I feel like I'm flying. This rain feels amazing.

No thanks, Mr. Sklarin. I appreciate you trying to get me out of the rain though!

I think I'm going to give up drinking & just run from now on.

If it rains any harder, I might float away.

I love running. Period.

*wipes face* I think you missed me with a few of those raindrops.

So glad I don't wear sneakers anymore. My feet would be soggy.

Push yourself up this hill & I'll let you eat Swedish fish when you're back.

God's got something bigger planned for me. I know it.

You're better than this. Be better than this. You're worth it.

This rain is nothing. It's just rain.

Take it to the next level & show yourself you can do it.

Man, I totally understand why that lady was excited to run naked. I'm DRENCHED!

Wait... would I really be comfortable running naked?

Why am I thinking about running naked again!?

Ok... it would be quite hilarious. hahaha

Go go go go go! You're almost done! RUN FASTER!

WOOOOOO!!!! Yeah! I feel ready for the next thing someone can throw at me.
BRING IT ON!

by David, @dsklarin

There is a stigma regarding men talking about struggles with weight and healthy eating. I was hesitant to even write this post when Melanie requested that I guest-blog about the last few weeks. I believe that in life I can either save my ass or my face, usually not at the same time. So I choose to save my ass and to talk about it. I had let some friends know where I was at and that I could use some help. Asking for help also does not come easy for me. Here is my experience so far:

A funny thing happened a couple months ago...I found myself staring at myself in the mirror in the bathroom wondering what had happened. I now knew how my beloved Yankees must have felt after dropping 4 straight games to the evil Red Sox after being up 3-0 in the 2004 ALCS. I woke up and was genuinely horrified at what I saw. I was a fat guy again. How did this happen? Was this some nightmare that I couldn't wake up from?

See, a few years ago I was a REALLY big guy. Here is a picture of me with Aaron Boone (who hit the home run for my Yankees that knocked the aforementioned evil Red Sox out of the ALCS the year prior to the collapse of 2004). It wasn't so much that I was larger than life, I was UNHEALTHY. I grew up playing baseball and hockey and hiking. I was now sedentary...at a desk job, in a bad relationship and just unhappy in general. I hadn't even picked up my guitar or sang in over a year (if you know me at all you find this hard to believe right now).

On the way home from losing my job I received a call that my aunt had died. As I pulled up to my house there was a moving truck. My girlfriend was moving out and I was home early, having been laid off and all. BEST DAY EVER. That's not sarcasm, it's the truth. The job stunk, the relationship was not so great and my aunt was in a lot of pain. Jimmy Needham sings a song called "Hurricane" where he asks that all of the unnecessary things in his life get swept away like in a hurricane so he can focus on what is really important. That is what that day was for me.

I started on the breakup diet, aka not feeling like eating. A funny thing happened though - I started eating right - cooking all of my meals, not eating processed flour or any sugar that didn't occur naturally. I started running. I was at the gym almost daily. I prayed before meals giving thanks for the continued motivation and ability to be a good steward of the body that I had been given.

A year later I was running 5 miles a couple times a week. Want a real fistpump at the Jersey Shore??? Run 5 miles on the sand as the sun is coming up. If you don't feel like pumping your fists at that kind of overwhelming beauty then I think you're crazier than...well, a Red Sox fan or something. I was lifting at 5am 5 times a week. Here's a pic from about that time with a friend and a horse that my family owns: I was healthy and loving life.

And then last September I switched companies and was behind a desk again. I started to skip a day here and there at the gym. Then two days once in awhile. I didn't eat as well on those days, as my body didn't crave the same types of nourishment. It was too cold to run was what I allowed myself to believe. Then before I knew it I hadn't been to the gym in months. By mid-May of this year I was up 40 lbs. HOW did this happen? HOW could I have let this happen.

Two choices at this point - give up, believing the lie that I would always fail at this and hence why even try...OR, get back on the horse, listening to the truth that a temporary setback was all this was, if I wanted it to be.

Melanie asked me to write how I feel after a few weeks of not eating crap (have you ever heard her say the word "crap" with that Western NY accent? it's cutely funny). There's not much to tell - I feel like I am not craving things that are killing me anymore. I have not dropped much weight...yet, however 4 weeks is just the beginning of a restart of what I began in May of 2009.

I didn't agree to be a part of this food detox for vanity - I love how healthy FEELS. I crave that again. I want to have a family - to grow old with someone I love, to see kids graduate, get married and have kids of their own. An unhealthy lifestyle is more than inconvenient, it is the surest way to miss out on these things. I actually love eating healthy, I love exercising and I love being a good steward of the resources that I have been given. I view the detox as a "reset" button... like those old Nintendo 8-bit systems had... when the game was crap, you could hit that button and start over... So thank you, Melanie, for helping me restart something that I love.

Keep up on the progress at: 4 Week Detox

I've never been one for going with the flow, doing what everyone else is doing. I was never the person who would jump off a bridge because my friends did. My life was my own and it was never going to be boring. So why would I want to be like everyone else when it came to running?

“Let's go for a run.”
“I don't run.”
“Why?”
“I have chronic asthmatic-bronchitis.”
“Let's go anyway.”

We ran to the park and back. Two miles. I huffed and puffed but I did it. I ran 2 whole miles.

The first year I signed up for a 5k, then a 10k. I started running further, doing training runs and making myself run faster. I hated running but I loved how it made me feel when I was done. Sweaty, achy but fulfilled and happy to have accomplished something. Three years later, I'm so grateful I got dragged out on that first run.

Most of my life I've fought my mother on shoes. I hated shoes, socks, everything that made my feet feel constricted. Until I started running, I only owned one pair of sneakers at any given time and they weren't the most supportive. Heels are the bane of my existence. If I'm in them it's because I have flip flops in my bag and am obviously meeting an important client or have a hot date.

When I started realizing that running was going to be a part of my life I went to a running store and got fitted for a pair of what you all call 'running shoes' (ahem... sneakers). They watched me walk, found the right cushioning. I ran a couple more 5K's & 10K's and on my 29th birthday I ran my first Half, the Parks Half Marathon. Then the pressure set in. My knees and hips ached and groaned and told me that they wouldn't work anymore if I kept beating them this way. My non-runner friends told me that humans weren't built for running. I knew they were wrong. I LOVED running.

I honestly don't remember how I found out about them but somehow Vibram FiveFingers came into my line of vision. Due to my love for being bare footed I knew I found what I was looking for to replace my sneakers and socks. City Sports carried some of them and the girl taking care of me was wearing them at work. I tried on a pair of these magnificent frog-like shoes and was in love. $75 later I found myself a new owner. Reading up on them more I found that it was better for human bodies to run without shoes than to use all the support... but DC is not the African plains.

While taking my Vibram Sprints out for short runs to get used to them, my girlfriend Diana bought me Born to Run for helping her through her first 5K. I trotted along beside her in my Sprints and after finishing I dove into this book. I could give you a whole lecture on why you need to stop wearing sneakers but your feet are probably used to them and you'll end up with bad knees anyway... so I won't bother. This book showed me what I had been missing while running on cement in cushioned shoes and got me out of the norm and into the woods heading out on trails with my frog shoes. It also showed me that normal sneakers cause us to be more heel-strikers no matter how our bodies were meant to run. I had to retrain my body to run correctly. Not an easy task.

About 6 months after purchasing my Sprints, I ran the Parks Half Marathon again. It poured that morning and the paved trail was muddy so I took it easy. The last two miles of the race were rocks and Sprints allow you to feel everything so I knew it was going to be tough. At the 11 mile mark, a friend of mine met me to bust out the last two. I finished with bloody, muddy feet 14 minutes over my time from the year before. It was the last day of being 29 and I felt like I had still accomplished something. Although my feet were cut from the wet seams of my shoes, my body felt like I could just keep going.

A week later, my body felt like I hadn't just run 13 miles. I wasn't aching, my knees and hips were working just fine so I went for a 5 mile run. I was elated! I felt like a million bucks. Until mile 4.5. A sharp pain burst up through the top of my foot & confused me into thinking I stepped wrong. I walked for a bit, tried to run and ended up hobbling the last half mile home.

For 4 months I recovered. My foot was swollen so big that it wouldn't fit in my shoe – and I wear Dansko & Birkenstock – it was huge. I couldn't walk my dog. I could barely walk from my house to my car. I was so frustrated with hurting myself that I had to find out what I did. After talking to a few people, I found that I had sprained my foot due to not letting it recover. 13 miles on pavement after only 6 months of training in my non-cushioned shoes caused a hairline fracture in my foot and ended up causing me to lose running time.

What everyone said about FiveFingers was correct – you have to take it slow. Just because your body feels like it's ready to go doesn't mean your feet will be ready to carry you. Taking it slowly would have prevented me from being injured but I thought I could take on anything. My feet didn't grow up in the dirt, they grew up on cement and pavement in cushioned shoes with too much support. I retired my Sprints to gym work only as they showed superb ability to grasp the floor and keep my feet & ankles stable while doing squats and BodyCombat.

Next up, I bought a LivingSocial deal to Potomac Running Company and headed out to buy another pair of FiveFingers. What I found was that they had a different kind that had a harder sole so that not every branch and rock was felt while running. These blissful shoes are called Vibram FiveFingers Bikilas. They are comfy, cover my whole foot and although they caused blisters at first, once I learned about moleskin and my runs were much more smooth while my feet were less guarded, more free.

Heading off to Europe with my man, I found that the Bikilas were more compact to pack than regular sneakers. While in Germany I introduced them to new soil and took them for a relaxing 5m run in the forest. A leaf-covered trail was just perfect with soft ground beneath my feet and cool air to greet me. Such a refreshing morning. A few days later I went on my favorite run ever – a 7m run with the halfway point crossing the bridge at the Eiffel Tower in Paris.

Now, I'm pain free, taking care of my feet, my feet are taking care of me and my body is getting older but feeling none of the aches it should with all the running I do. Strapping on my Bikilas and heading out for a 4m run with my 2-year-old dog, Griffin, is just what I need in the morning. The feeling that I can fly along with the quietness of the world waking up gets my days started.

When will your feet be free? 

by DeChelle

I have a secret…

A really big secret that only a few people who know me really, really well know. I am a perfectionist and it infiltrates and pervades every area of my life. This “secret” desire, to make me and everything around me perfect, makes me tend to obsess a bit. Okay, whom am I fooling? It makes me obsess a lot. Over everything. But mostly over my weight. 

In the past, obsessed over my weight so much, I actually forbade myself from owning a scale because when I did, I would weigh myself no less than 8 times a day. I’d weigh myself as soon as I woke up in the morning, then after showering, before a potty break, after a potty break, when I came home, before eating, after eating, before exercising, after exercising, and then before bed. It was awful. If I saw a scale, I had to weigh myself and if there was any weight loss or gain, well let’s just say I was on a constant emotional roller coaster of highs (weight loss) and lows (weight gain).

But even without a scale, I still obsessed. I badgered my family and friends relentlessly…”Do I look fat? Does this outfit make me look fat? I shouldn’t be eating this.” Any ripple or tug in my clothing and I’d be back on that emotional roller coaster speeding towards the low, low pit that can only be used to describe where one exists who wears an extra-small but still worries, “do I look fat?”.

And while I knew this was all absurd, try as I might, I could not help it. Even to this day, I run miles and still don’t consider myself a runner. If my intention is to run 10 miles and I only run 9, I’m upset that I didn’t run the 10 miles. Many a time, I’ve told someone in a very matter of fact tone, “Oh, I didn’t run far today, I only ran 3 miles...” to which I receive a quizzical look and a comment about how 3 miles, by most, is considered far.

This desire to be perfect, to want everything around me to be perfect, has it’s benefits. I’m an extremely hard worker, always going the extra mile, in everything I do. It makes me push myself harder than anyone I know, to never be complacent, to never accept failure, and to always do my best. It gives me the appearance of always having my act together and having it all. But trying to be perfect is exhausting. It’s like working towards a goal that you know will never happen but you continue to work towards it anyway. It’s a constant battle that requires me to step outside my head daily and pull the plug on the line of thought that causes me to beat myself up or to not celebrate all the things that make me really great.

Every day I remind myself that nothing is or ever will be perfect, including me, and that as long as I do my best, that, in itself is as perfect as perfect can be.
 

by Jennifer

My name is Jennifer. I also hate my body.

That is, I hate my body until I REMEMBER.

Let me explain… I’m at this fragile state in my life. My self esteem seems to always be on a precipice. I am a 38 year old woman who’s body is beginning to betray her by falling apart. Grey hair has begun to make an entrance. Wrinkles now appear. And cellulite? Oh yeah. It is there. It is SO there.

I’ve struggled with body image issues since the age of 12. That is the year I first got my period and very rapidly grew breasts. (Much to the excitement of every middle school boy and to the chagrin of every middle school girl.) Sad to say but from that point on I was painfully aware of every female inadequacy that I possessed. Isn’t that sad?

I can count on one hand the number of times in my life where I felt confident and comfortable in my own skin. My body has never fit into society’s ideal image. And I have been keenly aware of that fact all of my life. It seems I have always been ill at ease with this body.

That is, until I remember what this body is capable of.

· This body has miraculously and safely birthed two healthy babies. It didn’t let me down. It is strong.

· This body has resisted major diseases and illnesses and way too many all-nighters. It is steadfast.

· This body has endured two marathons, countless half-marathons and one ridiculous 182 mile relay. It endures.

My body is not perfect. I am not anywhere near where I want to be. Intellectually I know that I am a beautiful, healthy, intelligent woman but in my mind’s eye, well, let’s just say there is a disconnect.

The challenge for me then is to not allow my body, my insecurities and my appearance become idols that take the place of God. It is when we remember the bigger picture and live a life of worship, putting God first, that there is freedom, joy, and peace.

Peace.

Being at peace with your body. Isn’t that a novel thought?

Just like with other aspects of life, when I lose sight of what my body was truly built for and instead focus on what society dictates, I become shackled to neurosis and chained to insecurity.

When I remember what this body is capable of and what it's greater purpose is, I gain a new perspective and I live free.

Watching little girls run through a sprinkler on a hot summer day in adorable pink bathing suits with no shame makes me shameful.

Hi, my name is Melanie. I hate my body.

Growing up, I was always much taller than the other kids… and much thinner. This was terrifying in high school because I was just awkward and… too tall. I was so skinny that in 6th grade, I had already hit 6' tall but hadn't yet hit 100lbs. Models are that size - makes me sick. I couldn't gain weight.

I noticed that even after college I got a little more curvy but stayed thin. You would think I'd start loving the body I was blessed with but I struggled with it. I wanted what I didn't have, like so many women. I wanted curves, I wanted to be short, I wanted muscles, I wanted boobs - all things I couldn't seem to get, no matter what I did. Looking back, there were so many women that would have wanted my body especially since I didn't have to work at it.

When I was 25, I was a size 6, had been building muscle, was doing the Abs Diet to teach myself how to eat healthy. Out of nowhere, I started feeling terrible pain and was diagnosed with a stress disorder that, I was told, was only held at bay by eating foods that were not touched by the sun. Because I had been eating so healthy, it was triggered along with the stress I was under. This meant no wheat, soy, most fruit or veggies, no chocolate or peanut butter, nothing healthy… nothing. I put on 20 lbs in 6mo and started hiding my body. At 27, I was up to 165 and felt terrible every day. I lost all my energy and just got into a continuous cycle. Few people noticed the weight gain since 20 lbs spreads out on a 6' frame but I could feel it. Sitting down, wearing jeans, putting on anything remotely tight was just torture. I hid inside myself and just stopped caring.

In early 2008, I caught a running bug. I felt better, little by little. I lost weight quickly and reduced my stress greatly. Races & goals were set, training and pushing my limits allowed me to see what I could do. Every time I hit a goal, I would feel strong and confident. My clothes stopped being loose and started showing the results of my athleticism. I projected the confidence that I so badly wanted. They say that if we exude confidence in ourselves, others will want to be close to us. My body confidence is and always has been an act.

Hi, my name is Melanie. I hate my body.

I am 6' tall, 152lbs, getting harder, tighter and stronger by the week. I am training for a half marathon that happens to be the day before my 30th birthday and the only reason I'm doing it is so I can look back at pictures of myself at 30 and say that I looked damn good. I am doing it for all the wrong reasons.

Every week I see more results from the 5+ days a week I'm either pounding a trail or hitting the gym. I see my shoulders getting tighter, I hear compliments on how much better I look, I feel the confidence I never had before because I was either too skinny or too fat for what I wanted to be.

All I see in the mirror are all the things I need to fix. My stomach, my love handles, the dimpled fat on the back of my legs, the backfat hanging over my bra, the things that NO one else will ever notice. I don't look at how I've strengthened my legs, I just see what I need to improve. I don't look at how I lack the double chin I had, I see that I have it when I smile too hard in pictures. I don't look at how strong my arms are getting, I just see the fat on the back of them that I need to lose. Every day I think about how I should be on a stricter diet, how I shouldn't drink because of the calories, how I shouldn't eat snacks because they're unhealthy. I am in an unending cycle and can't seem to get out of it.

Hi, my name is Melanie. I hate my body.

My entire life, I've felt like I needed someone to tell me I'm beautiful so I could feel beautiful. I don't have the pain of having parents who didn't tell me - they did! They still do. I am the critical woman in the mirror. I know I am strong-willed - I'm a business owner. I know I have what it takes to make things happen - I connect people every day. I know that I have confidence - I speak at impromptu events where people need to learn from me. I am a strong, incredible woman with a lot to offer… yet I can't seem to figure out how to run without the narcissistic reasoning.

I am changing my way of thinking - just by saying this to whoever is reading. My new goal is to hit the gym & run, not to look better naked or in my bathroom mirror, but to find the confidence in my body that I am so greatly lacking. Not to be thinner, not to lose weight, but to be more disciplined. I am also realizing that my discipline will need to carry over into the other parts of my life… but more on that next time.

If you take anything from this, realize that you are an incredible woman. No matter what you've been told, no matter what you think about yourself. You are what God made you to be and if you're living that 'you', you're exactly what you should be. Love it. Once you love yourself, others will want to be close to you.

Hi, my name is Melanie. I will start loving my body.

Starting May 7, I am on a 30-day detox. I've been wanting to do this for awhile but really needed to find a moment of clarity to guide me into that moment.

I host networking events & happy hours for friends. These are places where people gather to drink and socialize. With as many events as I attend, I tend to drink quite a few nights a week without realizing it along with a glass of wine while working in the evenings.

Working out as much as I have been recently with races upcoming & summer weekends at the pool, I realized I haven't been able to lose the weight around my middle like I had hoped. All the empty calories from wine and mixed drinks have been really unhelpful to my workout routine. Waking up at 6am to hit the gym or the trails has been inhibited by my long days, social drinking and late nights. My 6am self typically loses the debate of 'to run or not to run' and I end up needing to sleep longer.

Running a company takes a lot of vision, passion and focus of which I have a lot less when I am tired from being out socializing & drinking. I need every bit of clarity and excitement to get me through each and every 15-hour day. Being at the office at 8am and networking until 9pm gets really tiring when you're not on top of your game.

I'm not doing this because I believe I've hit 'alcoholic' status, I just feel it's time for a bit of a detox. When life isn't going exactly the way I planned I would have a drink to quiet my mind and stop worrying. I should have been turning to prayer, reading or finding another way to satiate my mind. Music is the way I've always escaped - listening, playing, singing - and I don't use that to really get out of my head. Time to get back into that.

It's been 6 days and I feel much stronger, more healthy and more energetic. Time to order a 7-up with lime or a juice spritzer instead of a martini when I hit the town. I'm excited about my challenge. I'm ready!

A day of rest is something everyone needs and my training allows me to start with that. As part of Team Run Faster, I was one of the few lucky runners to get into the 2010 Cherry Blossom 10-miler. This is my second year running this race and I am proud to be allowed into it.

Eight weeks until the race, my training schedule is setup and I am ready to start getting into a rhythm. My training coincides with Lent - I've decided to give up sugar for the 40 days so I can focus on what is needed in my faith along with this race. I gave up sugar 2 years ago before I started hitting the pavement and lost 8 lbs along with a serious sweet tooth. This year I hope to gain focus and lose insecurities with my faith.

I recently trained for the Cloud/Snapple Half but wasn't consistent with my training and ended up skipping the race altogether. I don't fail often and not showing up is a huge failure for me. I hope the Cherry Blossom will allow me some victory.

The 4' of snow we accumulated recently is hindering my ability to run outside, which has always allowed me to get out a lot of frustration, focus on my music and push myself up and down hills. The treadmills just don't cut it but hopefully I can make it a challenge and get myself excited about jumping on one.

It's time... time to start running, time to get ready for bathing suit season and time to show myself I can beat last year's time. It's time to beat my inner demons, show myself I can get up at 6:30 every day and give myself the focus to spend time with God in these early morning sessions. I'm ready to kick some serious butt - mine.