"A worrying Christian is better called an Atheist," my pastor said in a sermon once. We believe that God will take care of things and then start worrying about all the details. Shouldn't we leave it all up to Him, leaning on Him knowing that He always takes care of things? Easier said than done for the mere mortals we are.

It always seems that when one thing goes bad that a bunch of others have to go with it. It can't just be a friendship ending, it has to be family issues and financial stuff added to it. When I start worrying about things I can't sleep, I don't eat and my back gets all tensed up. I end up a wreck and wondering where things went wrong. Most people feel this way when their life just gets completely out of whack.

When bad things happen, our first reaction is to ask ourselves what we did. I know that some of the things that have gone bad recently are because of my big mouth and others are things that are deep hurts from half a lifetime ago that won't ever be healed properly. Otherwise, we and the people around us may ask if we have a secret sin that could have caused God's wrath. If we are walking with God and knowing that He is in charge, we need to stop looking inward and start looking upward. Even 'good Christians' sin - we all do. No one can escape it and no one will be perfect but our walk needs to be in line with where God is going so that we can continue to be forgiven.

I was raised to feel guilt, lots and lots of guilt. My parents didn't exactly make me feel this way but the church definitely did. They list sins and tell you that you need to make sure not to commit them or God will let Satan take over. The church has a great way of making 'fire & brimstone' statements that scare us into God's presence instead of realizing that God is a loving God with His arms open wide.

The mindset I have had for 30 years is that if I commit a sin, I'll be punished for it. If I don't do exactly as I'm told, I'll have things taken away. I live wondering daily if something I did, thought or said recently might have caused the grief in my life. Wondering if God will cause my business to stop being profitable if I think something bad about someone. I try so very hard to live the way He has asked me but the guilt that wells up in me makes me wonder if I'll ever be able to attain what He has set out for me.

This last month has shown me that people can change if they put their mind to it.

I have been reading 'Humility: True Greatness' by CJ Mahaney and 'The Peacemaker' by Ken Sande lately and have been finding so many things in my life and reactions to others that need to be changed. Growth is the keyword for my 30th year of life and taking that step into the unknown of my 30's is something I want to do with grace, patience, humility and excitement. Worrying will always be something I do but I plan to start looking upward more than inward wondering what I did wrong to deserve the pain.

I hope you find peace in looking up, at whatever you think is up there.

Lying in bed reading Maya Angelou's All God's Children Need Travelling Shoes while 'listening' to her recount a breakfast she had, a black woman, with a German family, German neighbors and a Jew and hearing of her innocent question that started a horrible ending to the meal made me start thinking. I remembered The Boy in the Striped Pajamas and the horrendous ending to that and Schindler's List that my father didn't allow us to listen to due to the F-bomb being used too much. I live with a German man who can be the most thoughtful person I know and I realize that so many people have so many prejudice(s?) against those who are not like them. I thank my stars that all the women before me fought for rights so that I might own a business and not be married at almost 29 without people looking at me funny.

This evening, I also watched the movie Doubt about the Catholic priest accused by a nun of being innappropriate with a black 12-year-old. So many dynamics in that movie - gay, black/white, Catholic, nuns, priests, fathers who beat their children, a mother's love, unfounded accusations, trust, disbelief, etc. The fact that the movie is dedicated to the sweet young nun makes you realize that the story is most likely true. The prejudice in that movie was haunting, even between nun and priest. Heartwrenching stuff.

Before reading Ms. Angelou's book this evening, I flipped through In the Grip of Grace by Max Lucado to see if I wanted to read a little deeper and found that I was too tired to get really deep opting for what I thought would be a lighter read. Lucado's words caught my eye before I shut it and stuck with me through my other reading. "What separates us from God is sin." and Paul says: "There is no one who always does what is right, not even one. There is no one who understands. There is no one who looks to God for help. All have turned away. Together, everyone has become useless. There is no one who does anything good; there is not even one." (Romans 3:10-11)

Every single one of us has blown it. We've all done everything wrong. At least we have a faithful God who allows us to come to Him, even when everyone else points their fingers, and He will forgive us. Let me repeat "every single one of us has blown it." I have, you have, we all have. In Doubt, the priest looked at the nun and said "have you never committed a mortal sin?" She starts to get teary and says she has. He said "then we are the same." She disagrees greatly. But it's true! Ms. Angelou recounts the German telling a story about a man who puts a bird in warm poo to keep it alive in the dead of winter, when the bird wakes up from thawing out he starts making noise and a wolf comes by and eats it. The morals ring true: 1. He who puts you in the sh*t is not necessarily your enemy. 2. He who takes you out is not necessarily your friend. 3. Once you find yourself in the sh*t, learn to keep your big mouth shut.

In my beliefs, every sin is equal. A white lie is equal to that of cheating on your spouse. The cheating might hurt another person much more but both must be apologized for and asked of God for forgiveness. Being that all of us have committed sins and caused harm to ourselves and others, we have hurt God more times than we want to know. His pain is not something we physically feel all the time but the burden gets very heavy until we ask for forgiveness. Why is that we feel the need to be the man on the hill judging others for sinning? My pastor just spoke about removing the plank from our own eye before trying to point out the sawdust in anothers.

I have had a really rough few years learning by making mistakes and growing. because of it. Growing is painful. I was told recently that God doesn't allow us to go through things that we won't learn from. He doesn't allow us to make mistakes for no reason. I feel that my mistakes have led me to a place of deep reflection and have given me a quiet sort of peace about where my life will lead from her on out. This doesn't mean that I will not continue daily to make mistakes and hurt Him but at least I know that God is in control, not me. I am only asked to obey Him and to praise Him. He needs my full attention. He is my father, my savior and my comforter. What more could I want?