Looking Upward

"A worrying Christian is better called an Atheist," my pastor said in a sermon once. We believe that God will take care of things and then start worrying about all the details. Shouldn't we leave it all up to Him, leaning on Him knowing that He always takes care of things? Easier said than done for the mere mortals we are.

It always seems that when one thing goes bad that a bunch of others have to go with it. It can't just be a friendship ending, it has to be family issues and financial stuff added to it. When I start worrying about things I can't sleep, I don't eat and my back gets all tensed up. I end up a wreck and wondering where things went wrong. Most people feel this way when their life just gets completely out of whack.

When bad things happen, our first reaction is to ask ourselves what we did. I know that some of the things that have gone bad recently are because of my big mouth and others are things that are deep hurts from half a lifetime ago that won't ever be healed properly. Otherwise, we and the people around us may ask if we have a secret sin that could have caused God's wrath. If we are walking with God and knowing that He is in charge, we need to stop looking inward and start looking upward. Even 'good Christians' sin - we all do. No one can escape it and no one will be perfect but our walk needs to be in line with where God is going so that we can continue to be forgiven.

I was raised to feel guilt, lots and lots of guilt. My parents didn't exactly make me feel this way but the church definitely did. They list sins and tell you that you need to make sure not to commit them or God will let Satan take over. The church has a great way of making 'fire & brimstone' statements that scare us into God's presence instead of realizing that God is a loving God with His arms open wide.

The mindset I have had for 30 years is that if I commit a sin, I'll be punished for it. If I don't do exactly as I'm told, I'll have things taken away. I live wondering daily if something I did, thought or said recently might have caused the grief in my life. Wondering if God will cause my business to stop being profitable if I think something bad about someone. I try so very hard to live the way He has asked me but the guilt that wells up in me makes me wonder if I'll ever be able to attain what He has set out for me.

This last month has shown me that people can change if they put their mind to it.

• Removing all soul-ties to past relationships that need not be in my future was a tough but rewarding thing I accomplished recently and continue to accomplish every day.
  
• Putting God first in my life and making sure I spend some time with His word and in prayer each day has been very focusing.
  
• Growing a business that will help businesses grow, help my employees build a knowledge-base for future use and give me the satisfaction that I am making a difference has been a challenge that I've jumped into with both feet.
• Reading my devotions and other books that will allow me to see things from a different perspective.
  
• Being more active in the community around me and in my church family.

I have been reading 'Humility: True Greatness' by CJ Mahaney and 'The Peacemaker' by Ken Sande lately and have been finding so many things in my life and reactions to others that need to be changed. Growth is the keyword for my 30th year of life and taking that step into the unknown of my 30's is something I want to do with grace, patience, humility and excitement. Worrying will always be something I do but I plan to start looking upward more than inward wondering what I did wrong to deserve the pain.

I hope you find peace in looking up, at whatever you think is up there.

Cherry Blossom Training: Friday the 13th

Today is my dad's 50th birthday. Happy birthday, Dad! :) He had his 50th birthday party last year (since he started his 50th year) but this year, he had his 'real' one. He's an incredible man... my incredible dad. If you don't know much about him, check out his website: www.oddballolddog.com

I woke this morning at 5:30, walked Bailey at 6 and then headed to my body conditioning class. I've had nightmares my whole life but lately they've been really vivid and disturbing. I had a hard time falling asleep last night and with waking up so early along with fitful sleep, I feel like I didn't sleep at all. I was fine though at 6:30, pushing my body through the hard motions of weightlifting, lunges, squats and jumping jacks. It's a crazy thing to do to yourself after you've only just woke up. Once class was finished, I jumped on the treadmill at a 1.0 grade and started running at 6mph to get through my 3 miles this morning. About a mile in, I squinted to see the TV on the wall in front of me... something was burning in the dark and the captions were hard to see. I started reading through my squinted eyes to find out with overwhelming sadness that a commuter plane went down outside of Buffalo and landed on a house killing 50 passengers and the person inside the home.

The emotions that ran through me caused me to stop and pray for a moment. I had tears rushing to my eyes and decided that I needed to push through the end of my workout. No one else in the gym seemed to be affected by this but me. After another 1/2 mile, I realized that i couldn't deal with the anxiety of it anymore and had to stop. On my way out of the gym, I felt a tightness in my chest and a feeling of wanting to let loose and just start bawling. I called G and left a message - he's in GA and was still sleeping. Then I called my mom. I couldn't stop crying for 10 minutes.

I'm not sure where these emotions are coming from nor do I know why I feel this way. Between G being in GA right now and having to fly home today (I've been praying for his safety) and the crash being so close to my parents along with having really vivid nightmares for weeks... I just couldn't handle it anymore. I feel like I need to get some help to deal with this anxiety. Working out is supposed to create happy feelings and helps people get a positive outlook on life. It works for me but it doesn't seem to change my dreams which affect my entire day and sometimes longer.

I've been on my knees asking God for peace, wisdom to understand the things I'm dealing with and positive energy to get through my day and to be supportive of G during his internship. I'm praying constantly... everything causes me to look up and at Him... why do I continue to feel like there's something bigger inside of me fighting against me. My mom said that people find out 20 years after something happened that they've been repressing specific things that hurt them and had no idea that is what is bothering them. Do I really want to know if something happened to me 20 years ago that is causing this? Should I drug myself up on anti-anxiety meds to cause my nightmares to go away and repress things further. Is this just a spiritual battle that I'm facing? I need answers... I want to do things the right way, the healthy way, the best way. What's the next step to dealing with whatever pain is deep inside me manifesting itself into dreams?

Time to get on my knees again and find out.