DC at Christmas

Washington DC was not a place I ever aspired to living. It was a place of history, politics and money - none of which have ever been interests of mine. The life in California that I led was a bit boring and bland. After finally heading to England for 10 days with my mother (where I was able to see the Canterbury Tales AND Wicked live on stage - along with so many sights and sounds that I can't even describe or show you enough pictures of including Stonehenge), I felt the overwhelming urge to be someone else, go somewhere else and do something else. I wanted to find something interesting to do with my life in an interesting place. DC was not on my list of places. After my sister told me that I could transfer with the company we both worked for to be closer to her and her impending child (my now incredible nephew Jack Jack), I decided to take the leap and move to a place I knew very little about.

Now, after 2 years, I am settled in and enjoying my new found life. This year alone I've been to at least 10 concerts (from Raconteurs to Ani DiFranco to moe and Rusted Root to G Love and so many more). It has been an incredible ride and the shows just keep coming!

Last Sunday I was able to experience the Nutcracker Ballet at the Kennedy Center with a girlfriend... the most BEAUTIFUL ballet I've ever seen. The long legs, dancing on their toes, the flexibility, the beautiful costuming, the whole story with no words. It was breathtaking. The fact that I was sitting in the Kennedy Center, about 25 rows from the front of the stage in beautiful red velvet seats in Washington DC made me realize how incredible my life is. I called my dad that evening and he asked me what I was doing. When I told him that I was going to see the Nutcracker at the Kennedy Center, he said "Wow, Mel. You have the coolest life. I wish you were my cool Aunt Mimi."

Tonight, there are multiple parties/celebrations going on to celebrate Christmas and the rest of the holidays. I had planned to go to one for a friend but was able to find tickets to go see my favorite piano player on earth - Jim Brickman!!! I've been waiting since I was 12 when I received my first Jim Brickman piano book to see him play. He had free concerts in the park but we were never able to make it. Now he's playing in DC about 15 minutes from my house at a small auditorium where I'll have incredible seats no matter where I sit. Wow! Talk about having an incredible life. The man who sold me the tickets asked if I knew his music. I've been playing it since I first got it and have LOVED every bit of it. I'll play some this Sunday and some more on Christmas Eve from his Peace piano book. Wow... I am probably the most fortunate woman on earth and definitely the happiest. My friend Megan knows his music and is going with me... what an honor to have friends who want to enjoy a romantic evening of Christmas music in an intimate setting. I am truly blessed.

I will cherish each of these events, hold them in my heart and remember them forever. Music concerts at Wolf Trap multiple times on beautiful summer evenings, seeing Red Rocks Amphitheatre with incredible live music, attending a show another little amphitheatre in Nowhere Colorado, seeing John Mayer in the pouring rain, seeing exciting things at the Kennedy Center and finally getting to see the most incredible pianist all in one year. Wow... I am most definitely blessed. DC at Christmas... where else could be better?

By Your Side

I was driving to a meeting early on Saturday morning and feeling like I was missing something... I've heard this song many many times but had never heard the words so clearly as I did that morning. The song keeps reappearing as I need it. God speaks to our hearts in so many ways and helps us heal when we need healing. This song touches me because I'm forever striving to find 'love' in someone or something that will not leave. That struggle to 'make' someone love me the way I need, meeting my expectations and without any qualms has been a tough struggle but I've realized... God is the only one I can't lie to about anything. He knows everything and I've realized that I haven't been struggling hard enough to find His love... just that of others who will eventually fail me. The words of this song that bring tears to my eyes every time are: "Why are you looking for love | Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough".

Wow... does that not hit right where it needs to. No matter what I'm dealing with or struggling with, His love is always enough. No matter how much those around me fail me or how I fail them, His love is always there. I can't tell him things that aren't true. I can't go behind His back. I can't wiggle my way out of a scary, sad or otherwise hurtful situation by saying things I don't mean to Him, I can only confess when I've done things wrong and realize that His reaction is never hateful or vengeful. It's always loving. He will love me no matter what I do. Do I do that to others? No matter how much I am hurt by them, do I always accept them back into my life and leave what has happened in the past? Am I able to move past things and work toward a brighter future by leaving the past behind? I'll just keep striving to be that better person that God doesn't cry about... I feel awful when I can feel that He is sad about things I've done or people I've hurt. I need to stop striving for love here on earth... His love is enough. No one else's can compare. Why do I keep looking?!

By Your Side by Tenth Avenue North
Why are you striving these days?
Why are you trying to earn grace?
Why are you crying?
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away.

Why are you looking for love?
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough?
To where will you go, child?
Tell me where will you run.
To where will you run?

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J95rAr0gOFU

neuroses

Every time I finish something, I close it and put it away. When something is unfinished and I put it away, I forget about it. When something is unfinished, I leave it out so I am aggravated enough by its presence to put complete it. This applies to many pieces of my life including:

1. windows on my computer screens. I have 2 screens on my computer which allow me to have many windows open at once. When too many windows are open, I get frustrated. I have email, chat, browsers, applications, etc. This includes the distracting blinking window when someone sends me a message or when an application notifies me of something. Aggravatingly causes me to shut them. When this happens though, I tend to lose things like conversations, things I should have completed, etc. I am always closing things and then realizing later that I completely forgot it. So, I must choose. Leave it open and be annoyed, close it and forget it, or complete it and close it.
   
2. clothing. When I do my laundry, I must put it away right then or the messy (neat) pile that is out of place will annoy me to no end causing the back of my brain to start to darken. I'm a neurotic person that thinks that everything should have a place and everything should be in its place. My closet
   
3. my closet. I forgot what clothes I own unless I have my closet color-coded in a rainbow. If I want to wear black shoes, I look for shirts that will work with them. Thank God that black is my favorite color shirt to wear and that I can wear jeans to the office. It used to be a nightmare to get ready for work. The rest of my closet is neatly boxed into categories and shoeboxes. It's still a frustrating little room but that's why I have a door on it.
   
4. projects. I am currently in the middle of creating drawings for Christmas gifts this year and have those set up on the kitchen table along with my Real Simple magazines (great for my neuroses) so that I can create a 3-ring binder* of my favorite clippings from those (recipes, fitness, decorating tips and entertaining tips) and a patchwork duvet cover that needs to be cut and sewn together.
   
5. doors. I tend to like the cleanliness of doors either being off their hinges or closed. Being able to remove clutter by locking it behind a door is great but not having clutter behind the door keeps my brain from going dark. Project seem to be everywhere and no matter how much I purge, there's always more to reorganize, clean up and get rid of.
   
6. lights. I was taught as a kid to conserve energy and save money by turning off lights as I left rooms. I still do this but more to keep things tidy also. I'm not sure why but it makes me feel better to leave things behind and clean, even if it's just by making it dark.

So many pieces of my life could be cleaned up and put away. This doesn't only apply to inanimate objects. Putting away Bailey's toys at the end of the day is one thing but tidying up my past and cleaning on the cobwebs so that I can learn from my mistakes and move forward is also a way for me to feel more confident when I meet people. Knowing that I have had an unclean household and an unclean past has allowed me to learn how to tidy it up, put it in a box and put it away, whether in the closet, under the bed or in the trash bin.

My house is under a constant state of change. I just bought a new couch and put it together and am waiting for someone to pick up the old couch so the clutter is gone and my house feels refreshed. I have picture frames to hang in my bedroom but no pictures have materialized yet. I have mirrors to hang on the wall in the dining room to make it feel bigger. I have two 'ugly' lampshades that still need lamps for my bedroom... to make it complete with my style. Things change. Whole rooms have different ambiance now than they did a year ago.

The same goes for my life. A year ago I was in a serious state of unknowing... finishing up a job that I hated and moving onto a new job that I would end up loving (and sticking with), finding hurt where love should have been, realizing that my life wasn't going in the direction I wanted it to be to now purging my past, removing all traces (although some cannot be permanently removed), cleaning up the smudges, focusing on what is important, finding God as a more direct route to fixing the problem and enjoying the friendships I've established.

Tidying up my life, tidying up my house... cleaning out the old and allowing the new to move freely. Peacefully...

*My sister has a similar neuroses with keeping things organized and gave me this fabulous idea so I can donate or recycle (unclutter) my old Real Simple's.

fatherly epiphany

Read with caution. Crying may ensue.

Sitting comfortably in my bed last night, reading my Captivating book and trying to listen to what God has to tell me, I had an epiphany. The authors were telling stories about Jesus 'romancing' us and giving us signs to show us how much He loves us. God's idea of chocolates and flowers are sunsets and waterfalls. They spoke of how the man was on the beach and far after the whales leave the California coast for warmer climates, a whale emerged and water came up through its blowhole - he felt God was telling him that He loved him. Later, his wife desperately wanted to feel that same way so she went to a beach and sat looking out - looking for a sign but never saw anything. As she got up discouraged and started walking down the beach, she came across a beautiful orange starfish. She knew it was His sign of love for her. She looked up and the beach was covered with starfish of all colors - behind her and in front of her. She realized that it was a much bigger sign of His love than she could have ever expected. Everyone sees His love differently because we are each unique individuals.

These stories made me think about my own life and about how God is showing me how much He loves me. I felt really sad and discouraged that I didn't have anything to physically show for it until I realized, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I knew EXACTLY what He was doing. He was showing me through my own earthly father.

My dad and I have been writing each other handwritten letters for as long as I have lived away from home. 10 years now. Even after he got an email account, he still continued this tradition and I've always loved it. I tried typing letters and sending them but he wouldn't stand for it. His letters contain snippets of every day life, his passions, his love for life, work, music and his love for me. At the end of each, he writes a Bible verse for me to look up. Every time, it shows me a glimpse into God's love for me and how I should live my life.

My dad has been writing quite often lately and I haven't seemed to find the time to write him back, despite the fact that it doesn't take all that long to do so. I realized that this time he takes for me is not reciprocated and it is a direct reflection of God in my life. God gives me so much of His time, writes me love letters through my Dad and I don't take the time to write my Dad back nor talk to my heavenly Father. I need to start writing.

My evening epiphany... my father reflects that of my Father. What can be better than a love note from your heavenly Daddy written by your earthly one?

pillow fights and all-out girliness

A group of 20- and 30-somethings grouped at a cozy condo last night in Bethesda, Maryland. They showed up in their comfortable pajamas, slippers and pigtails and collectively brought Krispy Kreme's, brownies, chocolate cheesecake, cream cheese frosting covered chocolate cupcakes, hummus and pitas, bean dip and chips along with wine and Ginger Beer & dark rum.

The evening consisted of 6 famously fantastic women who shared stories of woman-hood, underwear, boys, parents, childhood and other socially unacceptable things that women tend to discuss in groups. They played Party Girl Mad Libs and learned that 'pancreas' does not fit into the 'part of the body' category as 'he brushed his pancreas through her hair' typically doesn't happen in real life. The hilarity of the conversations stemming from those 6 Mad Libs stories must be kept under wraps, mostly for propriety's sake.

After eating enough sugar, they decided that they wanted to have their first pillow fight - ever! One partier was on the phone with her man when she quickly got off after being heckled by saying "I gotta go - we're gonna have a pillow fight - bye!" Since boys think this is a common instance at a girlie party, they thought it might be fun to actually have one. With enough pillows and a male roommate who had no problem taking the pictures, they delved into a fine frenzy of smacking each other with pillows. Nice enough, no feathers showed up for the event unkempt.

Now that they had that out of their system, it was time to move onto the girlie movie portion of the evening. With all the movies everyone brought, they settled on August Rush. Commentary subsided when things got dramatic and a few were at the edge of their seats with their hands covering their mouths... ACK! "Can we watch that again!?"

Love exuded from the room as the 6 women sat in stunned silence at the ending. Hugs proceeded as all started filtering out and heading home for the evening, jammies and all. The fun had come to an end but everyone knew this was not the last time this would happen. Girls need each other... girls need to get things out and find solace in the fact that they are not the only ones going through the things they were dealing with.

Girls night had ended... but the friendships will continue.

random thoughts

These words that float through my head, constantly creating short stories about the lives of people around me... about the things that happen to me... the things I hear... the life I've led. The inadvertent creation of sentences while drifting through conversations, in and out, slowly realizing that I wasn't listening at all... my train of thought had forgotten to stop at the last station - just continuing on without any thought to anyone on board.

The things I think...

Outside the window of the coffee shop, while pretending to listen to the meeting going on at my table, I see a man sitting quietly observing with his coffee. He glances at his watch a few times and after what seems like an eternity, he walks away. A woman walks by with a large amount of 'done' hair surrounding her small face making her seem like she'd drowning but the expensive suit she's wearing shows that she is trying too hard. She seems to be addicted to looking 'in shape' which shows sadly by the man beside her. His belly disallows him to see his feet and I wonder if his shirt will stay tucked in for long. The other woman walking with them looks like white trash compared to the Potomac couple. The married older man sitting directly outside the window is having a deep discussion with a woman and continues to wave around what looks like a resume and explaining things that I'm sure have a lot of value. Further out in the courtyard on this brisk Autumn day, I see a woman with headphones and a running shirt on with her jeans sitting as if she just got done working out but is now downing a caramel coffee treat to put her back to where she started. These people, all with their own agendas seem to enjoy the air of being watched and watch others in the same instance. This moment in time, etched into my head, unappealing, not exciting, allows me to keep myself occupied for a few moments while a man rambles on about his exciting technology that is not at all interesting to the marketing mind I've developed.

Staring at myself in a room-sized mirror, pushing the Smith machine up and down, crunching my butt and thighs so low that I know I will be in pain for days to come, I see others doing similar exercises and realize that in this quiet place of dumbbells clanking and machines grinding, no one breathes a word. All with headphones on, jammin' to their own tunes, focusing on their own goals, moving to their own beat, not a word is uttered to anyone aside from the occasional "are you using this?" If you comment on another person's workout to help them along or to show them how something works, you get a dirty look. No one uses a machine that they don't know how to use because they don't ask. Wouldn't that make them look stupid? Why is it that we can work toward a similar goal together in the same room with mirrors surrounding us but not make friends with those people? Why does everyone avoid the others and keep to themselves when the gym could be such a better place - a place of community? Same goals, same reasons, same thoughts, routines, desires, personal gains... yet we are all so far apart.

Again... laying on a mat in the group room pushing myself through Pilates poses, the chatty instructor tries to find ways for her class to participate with one another. No one laughs at her jokes, no one gives feedback unless asked specifically. No one wants anyone to look at them or comment on how they could do their exercise better. Each poser in her own zone, doing her own thing, keeping to her own bubble. Community, again, would make this class a safer place, a more welcoming place, a place of enjoyment and uplifting. Why is that not allowed?

Sitting in silence, finding some peace, head down, eyes closed... hands on the pew in front of me... silently asking God for peace, for reconciliation, for forgiveness, for direction and the right path to take on this journey. The conversations get longer, more certain... the questions become more specific... more targeted. For a time, prayers were finally not focused solely on internal things but for those around me, family, friends... others. Life led me to a place of needing the peace that only God can give... Listening to the radio... "you will take me in no matter who it is I've been"... realizing it's not just me. Seeing that I'm not the only one who has messed up, done things wrong, sinned, run away from God... a book tells me that God allows for things in our lives to become disjointed when we focus on that rather than Him. Jobs, relationships, homes - everything. Focus... I need to focus... stop taking my eyes off what I should and just focus on Him. Not allowing anything to come into my life and cause a rift. Not allow anything to remove my focus from where it should be. God... I need you. Help me... I believe, help my unbelief.

In order to appease you, I will become someone else. Someone I am not... someone you expect me to be. In order to make you happy, I will lose myself in you... cause myself horrendous pain by stretching so far out of my ordinary way to be the person who makes you happy. In order to keep you, I will lie and deceive but in general, love you and cherish each moment with you. In order to behave, I will keep my life in perfect order and find ways to entertain myself so as not to think of things not allowed in my life. For fear of losing you, I will lose myself in you.

Amazingly... more and more pops in my head moment to moment. I wish I could record it all to write it down later. Pieces, fragments, like dreams pop up... sometimes unintelligable, sometimes quite distinct. Finding the right way to say it all will always be the disjointed effort on my part. Does it make sense? Not likely.

happiness & abandonment

Reflection is often the time that we find ourselves. Women are reflective souls and are open to finding true meaning in the different pieces of our lives, even when no meaning should be found. We are constantly soul searching, trying to find our way in life and trying to find ourselves but in the end, those of us who are innately introspective and aware are able to find the pieces of ourselves that others have stolen along the path that life has led us.

We, as humans, search for happiness. Each and every one of us is constantly looking for the source of an unending happiness. We are flawed thinking that something or someone can bring us this happiness when, in fact, the source is sitting inside of each and every one of us. The deeper meaning is not hiding, it's in plain view but we haven't yet opened our eyes to see it. Working through issues, histories of problems, repeated mistakes, wants, needs, desires and sins, we find that if only we were happy with who we ended up being instead of always searching for that better person that we can become, we'd be the happy, better person we always wanted to be.

Women, as it explains in Captivating (by John & Stasi Eldredge), are always in fear of being alone... abandoned... and forever passed by. This isn't a women or a few women, but all women fear of this... by their lover AND friends. Those in a deep and meaningful relationship often feel the loneliest and feel that they are at risk of sudden abandonment by those they love and cherish the most. It's not just the single women or the ones who have been in short term relationships - all women fear this. It's part of our human condition. John & Stasi explain that this is instilled upon us at birth by Satan himself. God loves us wholly - Satan hates us just as much. This fear is a terrible thing for each and every woman to live with day in and day out. Women have done many things to keep their relationships in good order so as not to be abandoned but, in the end, many are still left behind and broken. Women have subdued themselves, lied, kept an 'ex-list', taken comfort in food or someone who feigns to cherish them, given themselves to so many idyllic pleasures just to feel that they are wanted and 'kept'. We have turned ourselves into people that we are not and were never meant to be... all for fear that we might end up alone.

The yearning to be loved, cherished, wanted, desired - it's not something that only one or a few of us have - each and every woman wants to be adored. It's not due to 'wanting attention' or feeling like we need a spotlight - it's a way to douse the insatiable Question "Am I lovely?" - the question every little girl and every adult woman wants to know.

When we base our opinions of ourselves on other people, be it boyfriends, husbands, our girl friends, colleagues or bosses, we demean ourselves and stop acting like the women we were meant to be. We give ourselves over to the doubtful men and women in our lives and, in the end, keep ourselves from attaining the ultimate pleasure in calling ourselves 'whole' when we are on our own.

When a woman who has been married more than half of her life wants to make sure you understand that you have options, options to stay single, options to travel the world and find the happiness you so desire, options to not have children but to be content with the life God has given you, to enjoy your friends, build your friendships, give yourself time alone, and realize your full potential, you realize that there is so much more to life than finding a man so that you are no longer alone. You realize that there are so many bigger things out there for you - that you have the ability to find happiness inside yourself. Even women married 50 years are lonely.

The peace that you seek is inside of you. Finding that out has been the hardest task. Overcoming pain and fear and hurt has been a struggle. Realizing that 'it's not your fault' is something that will come with time, no matter how awful a hand you are dealt. Seeking the peace inside yourself is the ultimate prize. Once you do that, you can do anything. Peace, happiness and love are yours. The hippies obviously knew what they were talking about. Find it and you will find yourself.