by Courtney

Of All the Things I Love...

...my body isn't one of them.

I love pearls, and my vintage Montblanc pen. I love Louis Vuitton, especially the Damier Azure Speedy 35 I haven't put down since the day I bought it. I love high-waist pencil skirts and silk blouses. And there's nothing I would rather be wearing than a pair of 4 inch heels.

Don't get me wrong, I used to love my body. It was, at one point in the not to distant past, pretty darn great. It wasn't awesomely amazing, but it was better than most. I worked out pretty often. I ate some pretty healthy food and some pretty crappy food. I did pilates, and Zumba. And even though I hated it, I ran long (ok not that long, but long enough) distances. I rowed, (the machine, not a real boat). And my goal was nice abs.

Then some guy backed into me with a car. One year, an x-ray and an MRI, three steroids (including two spinal injections), ten prescriptions, and countless physical therapy sessions later, I'm still in pain and I've gained a ton of weight.

I don't know if you've ever tried to work out with severe back pain, but I have. I promise, its not fun. Every step I take hurts and reminds me of how much I took for granted before. Before, I complained about running; now I'd give anything to be able to do it and not feel like death is a more preferable option.

Now, I eat air. I eat food too, but after I'm done I feel like I might as well have eaten air. That's what salad and fruit do to you. They make you feel like you're starving. Sometimes I eat pizza or Chinese food for dinner. But that's what happens when: a) you live with a man; and b) you have a 2 hour commute.

Today, the third specialist I've seen finally figured out what's wrong with me. There's something going on with my sciatic nerve. Finally, they can fix me. I'm happy, but at the same time I'm a bit scared. I can't wait to be fixed so that it doesn't hurt to walk for 10 minutes. But then comes the hard work: losing the 25 pounds I've gained over the last year. On the one hand its pretty great because I might be able to lose weight and stop hating my body. On the other hand, I might not be able to and I'll hate it even more.