Melanie Spring - God, Faith, Running, Exercise, Creativity, Songs

New Year, New Goals

2010-01-10T16:44:00.008-05:00

2010 - the year I turn 30 has recently begun. Scary? No... Overwhelming? Yes.

I am a goal setter & typically accomplish the goals I set out for. Looking back over the last 10 years is an eye opening experience for someone on her way to 30. Some goals met, some set without full knowledge & later abandoned, others pushed back for future accomplishment.

When I was in college, I started a business called E-Spring Works (later known as Sisarina). E-Spring Works did a great job at helping local businesses with their websites (a rather new thing to do in 2001) and showed me that running a business was definitely something worth pursuing. This month marks the 9th anniversary of my being a sole proprietor. I was able to have that be my sole income for 2 years before deciding to work for 'the man' for more real world experience. I started my business at 20 in the year I was to turn 21. My goal was to be successful enough to purchase a newer car - a few months later, I hit my goal & upgraded my 1989 Chevy to a 2000 Olds Alero in cherry red. Mission accomplished.

As a high school student, I had set my life plans to go to college, get a job, get married & have babies before I was 25. I very quickly realized that I was behind in the getting married part, so I moved across the country and at 23 jumped at the chance a little too quickly, later realizing how uninformed I was of myself & what I really wanted. The children part of my plans was also set aside when I divorced and found the company of a dog much more enchanting than the company of children. I started to change my goals to seek out a career that made me happy instead of people.

I later became a homeowner due to having the dog and feeling like it was a very adult thing to do but failed miserably when the economy went into the circular file. It was just not the place I was meant to be. I then moved across country again to continue a career I wasn't happy in only to find the field I had majored in during college & a company that fit my life goals. My ultimate goal once again was to become a business owner by 30.

Mid-2009 found me in the perfect opportunity to enjoy sole-proprietorship once again along with partnerships that allowed me to be completely on my own. By the time I hit my 29th birthday, I was in full swing ready to show the world my stuff. Sisarina was launched again in full tilt, hiring staff, growing partnerships & local relationships and obtaining & renovating office space in the rich DC suburb of Bethesda, MD.

In early 2008, I started running, signing up for races of all shapes & sizes with the intent to hit the goals I had set for myself. Stepping up to the starting line of each race is the intent to finish, however it is that may happen. I've now finished two 5K's, two 10K's, one 10-miler, and one Half-Marathon. I am training over the next 3 weeks to complete my second Half-Marathon on the C&O canal trail. It's different training in the middle of winter for a trail race compared to training for anything else but I plan to complete it, fast or slow.

My current goals have now all been accomplished - and over a year earlier than expected! I am 29, successful, have a very loyal staff and am thoroughly enjoying the blessings God has presented me with. The trials to reach this point have not been easy but God never said He would make it easy - He just said I'd never have to do it alone. I am reminded daily, even by those in my office, how much God loves me & is obviously taking care of me. He's blessed me with an incredible family of friends and those relationships are my biggest accomplishment.

A few months ago, I realized that I knew very little about my religious beliefs. I know I am a woman of faith & that God is my purpose for being here but I found that I wanted to know more. I do a daily devotional for women who are busy, which gives me snippets to think about throughout the day but I didn't feel that was enough. Even being a very active member of my church caused me to find I was missing something. My church is doing a bible study for the next few months on Daniel L Migliore's 'Faith Seeking Understanding'. It's a captivating book allowing you to be a thinker, not just a doer. I have never been one to be told what to believe & then just accept it. I've always challenged the things others believe but want to know more about how my faith is challenged and upheld. I don't feel I know it all but I feel like God has some things to show me this year.

My goal for 2010 is not to work out more, eat healthier, be a better person or find true love. I'll try to do all those things but I don't feel they are goals I need to set. My goal for 2010 is to find out more about my faith & understand it enough to be able to have a conversation about it. To know why I believe it and not because I was told to. My second goal this year is to live my faith, not just talk about it. Living worship is key... and I intend to unlock it.

Happy New Year!

Noble Character

2009-12-13T09:40:00.004-05:00

Women of noble character are few and far between these days. Proverbs 31 talks about a wife of noble character and how she rises before her family to make them food and feeds her servants. She buys land and with the profit plants a vineyard. She goes out to far regions to get food and brings it home. She makes clothing and bedding for her family and also sells it at the local market. She's a business woman, a mother, a wife, and wonder woman. She takes care of those in her life and is the pride of her husband.

Looking at this from a single standpoint, I want to be that kind of boss to my staff, that kind of girlfriend someday, that kind of friend, roommate, daughter, sister, aunt, granddaughter, etc. I want to show my family, friends, community and workplace that I will take care of them, work with them, help them, be a woman of good character to them. God's called us to be the most we can and although this proverb is a bit outdated, it still rings true at how women have always been the ones who take care of everything for everyone.

I know that I have the best staff available from marketing and administration to design and development - not only because they know what they're doing but because they're dedicated to me. I believe that my hard work shows them that I am dedicated to them, that I will never let them down, never fail them, never give up. I will work as hard as possible for the greater good of my company which in turn gives them the chance to succeed in every way possible. If I work hard, they will also work hard. If I give to them, they will give back. While learning to be of noble character, I've learned to see the best in everyone who works with me and it has allowed me to use them to their full potential and push them past their normal boundaries. Being the best boss allows my employees to be their best selves.

Through networking I meet so many different types of people. It seems that my networking events attract the good-hearted, noble people that I want to surround myself with. If others come and don't find a fit, they don't return which allows us to continue to build up this incredible group. I have to be at my utmost during these events, introducing people to new faces, making sure no one is alone, allowing conversations to start flowing. Growing into this woman of noble character is allowing me to find my center and to give back to those people in need. I want all the people I touch to know that they are welcome, that I am happy to have met them and that I am not a woman who talks badly about others no matter the circumstances. We are only human and it's not easy to be at our best all the time but we can hope to hit our groove at some point.

In my personal life I touch so many people. Through church, at home, friends, dating, family. I have serious struggles with people in all areas of my life. Over the past 2 years I've learned more about myself than I ever have before. Just in the last 2 months I've grown in painful ways that have allowed me to open my eyes to a lot of new situations. Noble character-building is a huge part of what I am trying to accomplish in all areas of my personal life. Being a woman that God has called me to be, expects me to be and loves me for, no matter how many times I've failed. It's been a really bumpy road but growth is never easy. I keep hoping to wake up and feel that I am done growing but we're always learning about ourselves. Being the best friend I can be, loving those who cast their hate on me, figuring out how to fit in a family that is round holes when I am a square peg, finding a groove in who should be spending time with, finding new friends along the way. I feel like it's an uphill struggle but getting to the top will be so worth it.

Finally, I want to be a wife of noble character someday. Being a boss, a friend, a family member, a church community member, a lover, a networker, a roommate - these are all things I strive to be better at. Someday I hope to be the wife someone is looking for. Not that I am trying to find a husband, but my ultimate goal is to know that I have the noble character to be a partner to someone in a way that he can trust me, know me inside and out, understand that I am growing every day and accepting everything about me without my having to hide anything. To be allowed to give myself fully to one person without worry of persecution would show me that I am finally being a well-rounded woman of noble character. To find my equal - a man who hopes to be the same in return would be incredible.

A woman of noble character - I hope to be her someday in every aspect of my life. I am growing in that direction, pushing forward to the goal and know that whatever I put my mind to I will achieve. I wish this on my friends, my family and my church community. It's a tough road but a fruitful one once you find what you're looking for.

Looking Upward

2009-10-16T07:41:00.004-04:00

"A worrying Christian is better called an Atheist," my pastor said in a sermon once. We believe that God will take care of things and then start worrying about all the details. Shouldn't we leave it all up to Him, leaning on Him knowing that He always takes care of things? Easier said than done for the mere mortals we are.

It always seems that when one thing goes bad that a bunch of others have to go with it. It can't just be a friendship ending, it has to be family issues and financial stuff added to it. When I start worrying about things I can't sleep, I don't eat and my back gets all tensed up. I end up a wreck and wondering where things went wrong. Most people feel this way when their life just gets completely out of whack.

When bad things happen, our first reaction is to ask ourselves what we did. I know that some of the things that have gone bad recently are because of my big mouth and others are things that are deep hurts from half a lifetime ago that won't ever be healed properly. Otherwise, we and the people around us may ask if we have a secret sin that could have caused God's wrath. If we are walking with God and knowing that He is in charge, we need to stop looking inward and start looking upward. Even 'good Christians' sin - we all do. No one can escape it and no one will be perfect but our walk needs to be in line with where God is going so that we can continue to be forgiven.

I was raised to feel guilt, lots and lots of guilt. My parents didn't exactly make me feel this way but the church definitely did. They list sins and tell you that you need to make sure not to commit them or God will let Satan take over. The church has a great way of making 'fire & brimstone' statements that scare us into God's presence instead of realizing that God is a loving God with His arms open wide.

The mindset I have had for 30 years is that if I commit a sin, I'll be punished for it. If I don't do exactly as I'm told, I'll have things taken away. I live wondering daily if something I did, thought or said recently might have caused the grief in my life. Wondering if God will cause my business to stop being profitable if I think something bad about someone. I try so very hard to live the way He has asked me but the guilt that wells up in me makes me wonder if I'll ever be able to attain what He has set out for me.

This last month has shown me that people can change if they put their mind to it.

Removing all soul-ties to past relationships that need not be in my future was a tough but rewarding thing I accomplished recently and continue to accomplish every day.
Putting God first in my life and making sure I spend some time with His word and in prayer each day has been very focusing.
Growing a business that will help businesses grow, help my employees build a knowledge-base for future use and give me the satisfaction that I am making a difference has been a challenge that I've jumped into with both feet.
Reading my devotions and other books that will allow me to see things from a different perspective.
Being more active in the community around me and in my church family.

I have been reading 'Humility: True Greatness' by CJ Mahaney and 'The Peacemaker' by Ken Sande lately and have been finding so many things in my life and reactions to others that need to be changed. Growth is the keyword for my 30th year of life and taking that step into the unknown of my 30's is something I want to do with grace, patience, humility and excitement. Worrying will always be something I do but I plan to start looking upward more than inward wondering what I did wrong to deserve the pain.

I hope you find peace in looking up, at whatever you think is up there.

Struggling with Demons

2009-09-30T22:15:00.004-04:00

Sitting in comfy clothes under warm blankets with a sleeping dog snuggled under a blanket next to me I realize that I have lost all thoughts of what I sat down to write. My mind meanders and stares at a wall inside my head waiting for something to zap it into attention. I think of the dancers I watched this evening in competition, the grace, fluidity of movement, peace. I think of those retired, unemployed, on vacation - quietly living their lives in a more peaceful state than my harried one. We all have worries, we all have misery sometimes but I now wonder why I allow things to get to me. My mother assured me that I have a really cool life and that I should really live it.

My thoughts drift to a dream I had last night. My friend, Shelly, a charismatic Christian, always tells me that if I want God's direction and His visions that I need to ask Him for them and be open to them. Sometimes I think she's just nuts but I know she speaks the truth. I have been struggling with one thing for about 18 months - the inability to walk away from someone that has me so entangled in it that I feel unable to leave the situation behind for good. Before I fell asleep I asked that God give me peace about leaving it behind. My dream brought me to a place that showed all my friends and family and I would leave them to go see this person without telling anyone where I was going. This continued for awhile which paralleled my life situation directly. I woke up at 3am in distress about this dream but fell back to sleep only to dream of being in a forest with the knowledge that I was to meet this person again but had misplaced my phone. I walked toward a house that I knew would have a phone but made a conscious decision to continue to walk by and go in a different direction only to leave that person with no way to contact me or me this person. I walked on and when I awoke this morning, I knew I had left the situation behind. Healing, a weight lifted, peace.

Now that I have allowed myself some space from that situation, I have been focusing on my office space situation. Up to this point, I have not been worried about renting this office space and to all who know me, they could visibly see how excited I was about it. Now that I have been approved and am moving forward with the lease, the little worry demon that seems to come around just when I'm feeling assured has crept back in to nag me. There are so many things going on and I have so many visions of what the next few months will hold but I am letting the little things pull me down and am causing myself anxiety over it. I have never needed to worry about having enough business. I've learned from so many other entrepreneur's mistakes. I know what I am doing. This seems to be a mind over matter issue that I will break. When my personal life is great, my work life isn't. When my work life is great, my personal life isn't. This is where I break that cycle. My personal life is fantastic and so is my work life. I will prevail.

Loneliness is something I continued to think I was fighting in my personal life until this past weekend. The loneliness demon is something that has had its talons in me for years. I was reassured by a very helpful and intelligent woman (my mother) this weekend who helped me see that I was not lonely and couldn't possibly be lonely. It was pure make-believe. Few people can say they have lots of people in their lives who care about them. I have more friends than I can count, more family (blood or not) than I realize and if I felt lonely, I have 150 people in my BlackBerry I could call to have an uplifting conversation with. What could possibly allow me to think that I could ever be lonely?

We all have doubts. We all worry about things. When we look back on the things we worried about, we realize how silly we were for doing so. Trust that God will take care of it for you and ask Him to do so. He wants us to lean on Him, that's why life isn't a merry-go-round. Let go of worry and let Him work in you. "Ask and you shall receive. Seek and you shall find. Knock and the door will be opened unto you." Matthew 7:7 - I'm going to start asking and stop worrying. Easier said than done but a conscious effort will be made in all aspects of my life. He has given so much to me, I just need to take it.

The No-Plan Plan

2009-09-05T22:57:00.003-04:00

It's Saturday morning, 9am and I am exhausted from the last few weeks of endless stress, worry, busy life, networking events, running a business, being social and so much more. When I got home at 2am, I had shut my shades and curtains so I could sleep in. Stress pain from 3 years ago is back in full effect along with the pain from being in a porch swing accident 4 weeks ago. Waking up in pain is not comforting nor does it make you want to get out of bed on a Saturday morning (or any morning). Bailey crawls up next to me demanding to be touched and I lay there realizing how much I wish I had someone to hold me... a man, my mother, a friend... just to be held and comforted. Tears start streaming down my face, which seems to be a combination of physical pain and emotional pain. I grab my phone and IM Teresa while laying in bed, telling her these wishes and she promptly tells me to get pain medication and figure out a plan for the day. Our mothers are both 'deal with it' kind of people and both of us enjoy a bit of babying so she understands my need for comfort.

Knowing that my real plan for the day was to clean my house, get laundry done and do some catching up for work, I send a quick text to my fantastic friend Shelly-Belly and let her know I have no definitive plans for the weekend which prompts her to call me and announce she is at a flea market but free for the day. This causes us to realize that we should spend the day together so we devise a quick hiking scenario for Front Royal, VA and Shenandoah National Park. My face quickly turns from sadness to cheeriness. My gloomy outlook on my day became a bright and sunny outlook. As I opened my curtains, the sun opened me eyes and showed me that I really needed to be outside. Cleaning could wait.

We packed the dogs into the car and headed off on our journey of relaxation and adventure. The drive to Front Royal was uneventful aside from a short stint of ridiculous traffic on I-66 but the beauty of God's green earth was all around us and becoming more appealing the further from DC we got. The trees were in full effect, the sun was shining, the clouds were puffy and the sky was blue. I knew God had a plan for us today and it included a day of blissful rejuvenation.

Upon arrival in Front Royal, Michele & I went to Soul Mountain, a place I've been many times, and we had a fantastic lunch outside with the dogs sitting at our feet. Everyone walking by was so friendly, saying hi and petting the dogs, it felt like we were back in the 1950's. Small town mentality is just so positive and smiley. The restaurant was full and the wait staff was slow today but we were on the no-plan plan and were not in any hurry to get moving. We stopped by the local Daily Grind and got coffee and set off for Shenandoah National Park.

There are not words to describe the beauty of this park. The hills and valleys, the lusciously-filled forests, so green and captivating. Slow 'Sunday driving' and just taking in all the views was part of the no-plan plan. Instead of figuring out where we were going, we felt like God needed to lead us to a place to hike. At the same time we pointed to a quiet spot we could park and walk into the woods. Not 10 minutes into the walk did we come across huge stones overlooking the whole valley. Sitting on top of these stones with the dogs was a little piece of heaven. The peace and quiet, the views, the sun and clouds, the obvious love from our animals, the friendship... God. Everything was right with the world at that moment. Everything was perfect. No worry, no stress, nothing. Bliss.

Hiking for another 30-45 minutes, we found our way back to the car with tired dogs and relaxed glances at each other. I had been tweeting about our little trip and received a message from a good friend of ours, Raelinn, telling us we should come by for dinner with the dogs. We found our way to her place and had a fantastic dinner with wine, grilled chicken and interesting conversation on the huge porch of her beautiful house. Nestled into the woods in the peace and quiet, we found just the perfect end to our day.

On our way home tonight, we found the Christian station and were belting out uplifting music all the way home. The unending love He showed us all day allowed us to just revel in His peace. He knows just what we need but we have to let Him lead us to it. I know this is true about so many things in my life. I need His peace and His comfort, not the physical comfort of anyone else. I need Him and should call on Him when I need it. He never said he wouldn't allow things to happen in our lives but He did tell us that when we needed it, we'd be held. Today, He proved that He would hold me by placing a strong woman in my life who would allow me a little bit closer and just enjoy an incredible day.

Cheers to the no-plan plan and the rest of this incredible weekend of God-filled love.

Poolside News

2009-08-26T11:34:00.002-04:00

Rash, Megan, Abigail and I could be found at the Watergate in DC almost 2 weeks ago enjoying a quiet afternoon at the pool. With chips, cheese dip, pita & hummus, fruit and snacks, we had great conversations and started solving the world's problems, like young professionals do when they have an afternoon off. Rash even made homemade ice cream which ended up being more like a runny milkshake but the oreos and French Vanilla flavor saved it all.

We had our picture taken by a friend of Rash's mother who we later found out submitted it with a little story to the Foggy Bottom News. At almost 29, I was beaming when she thought we had all just graduated from college. :)

Here is the article for your enjoyment: Foggy Bottom News 8-19-09

Spiritual Journey: Pre-Sleep Reflections

2009-08-13T22:54:00.007-04:00

Before your head hits the pillow at night, you start to review your day... sometimes your week and at other times the month. You say your prayers and ask that God helps you by giving you peace about your decisions, the direction of your life and who you have become. As a child you might have recited the old poem/prayer:
Now I lay me down to the sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
and if I die before I wake
I pray the Lord my soul to take.
Amen.

When you really think about it, you're tucking yourself into a little cocoon of quietness and peace where you can empty your mind and allow everything to complete itself as you drift off to sleep. This is where my problem lies. As much as I wish, pray and hope that my mind will quiet, it doesn't. As much as I beg for peace in my sleep, I never find it. When my daily life is so overwhelming through business and personal interactions, most of which I bring upon myself, I have so much to think about before I fall asleep. This, in turn, causes nightmares which causes random mornings of frustration which bleeds out throughout the day and then a calming overtakes me when I have been bled out.

My spiritual journey has kind of taken a quiet leave of absence for the last week or so. I continually do my devotions and seek time with God to pray and reflect but I seem to do more apologizing than listening. I get small epiphanies throughout the day about how I want to change, grow, listen, reflect and generally spend my time with God but I rarely write them down so I can remember them and learn from them. I know that He is still up there listening to me and hearing my cries for peace & quiet but when I can spend 2 hours fiddling around with work and only 5 minutes in His presence, is that ever going to be quite enough? It's a similar feeling with the piano. Over the last few days, I've walked by the piano in the chapel and glance in and tell myself I'll take 15 minutes to go play it and sing with the incredible acoustics but then I never do. Something that could give me so much pleasure, just like God, gives me nothing because I don't take it.

I have realized even more so lately that I've been given incredible women in my life to keep me occupied while I try to live in my 'non-dating' world. Dating my girlfriends has become quite an honor and an adventure that I am happily growing into. I met with a few of the #DCTwirlies on Tuesday and some of the late-30's women were talking about how it seems that they were pushed as college grads to move into the next step of life which was marriage and kids. They realize now that it might not have ever been what they were to do and they are happy with how their lives have turned out. Single, entrepreneurs with great friends and a healthy, traveling lifestyle. I listen to them at almost 29 and find myself happy to hear it. Everyone keeps saying 'you have time' - what do I have time for? What if I don't want time? I am very happily settled into my life as a single entrepreneur sans children.

As I've said before, I have a hard time being 'alone' but really enjoy my alone time. My ex-husband is re-married, my most recent ex is already actively dating and I've realized that the lyrics are true: 'You aren't the first, you won't be the last. I don't have anything you want, you don't have anything I need.' I'm happy that everyone is finding what they are looking for... I've just come to realize that I don't know enough about me to even know what it was if it smacked me on the mouth. That is what this year is for... finding what I need, figuring out what I want and, in the end, being me. My friends like me and it's not like I only have 2 friends. I like me, which is more than I could ever have said 6 months ago.

This is my stream of pre-sleep thoughts. Maybe if they are released from my head onto this screen I'll have purged them all along with the Barbies I dropped in the trash last night.

Spiritual Journey: By Your Side - Part 2

2009-07-21T23:16:00.004-04:00

I've posted about the Tenth Avenue North song "By Your Side" previously (1st By Your Side post) but God has been really laying it on my heart to write again but in a different way. Previously I was more looking at the first verse of the song rather than the chorus. Now the chorus is really stuck in my head... day after day.

CHORUS:
And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Confession: I have been having a terrible time sleeping lately. I know there are many reasons why this could be happening from depression to anxiety to stress to hormones and beyond. It is probably mostly stress but still... it's really hard when you've moved back into insomnia and it won't release you for one full 8-hour peacefulness. I have been fighting it and it keeps winning. One morning the radio woke me up with By Your Side playing and when I couldn't get it out of my head, I found it on YouTube and played it again. Then I turned on Pandora and typed in Tenth Avenue North and it was the first thing that came up. This morning when I turned on Pandora, By Your Side started playing again... and then again tonight, after an incredible Bible Study, I turned on my radio in my car and guess what was playing... yup, By Your Side. This song keeps coming out of nowhere and it's not the first verse, as I said, this time. It's that chorus. The words that stand out are 'please don't fight these hands that are holding you.' His hands are holding me. He has 'hemmed' me in.

This evening in Bible Study we did the Lectio Divina (divine reading) with Psalm 139. I must make another confession, I do not sit still very well nor can I focus on one task at a time normally. The first time she read this passage the words that stood out to me were 'hemmed me in' and 'anxious thoughts'. I started meditating on anxious thoughts. I then heard 'fearfully and wonderfully made' and kept thinking of those three phrases. The last time, I really listened to the whole passage and found myself amazed that God really knew me and knew EVERY day that I had - every miniscule thing that I did. He knew how badly I'd mess up in life and still, He created me. He knew that I would fall away from Him time and time again but STILL created me. He allowed me to be on this earth and now that I really truly see that with honestly open eyes, I want to make sure the rest of my life blesses Him as much as He has allowed me the right to walk this earth.

He is by my side wherever I am. He knows when I get up and when I lay down. He knows my words before I even THINK them. As much as I strive for something great, I can never even understand who He is. I will never 'get it'. He is with me no matter where I am, what I am doing, who I am with, what I am thinking or speaking. He is there. He loves me that much.

One of the women in the study said: "All of us want someone to understand us and to love us... how incredible that He knows us inside and out and still loves us!" He is with us throughout every day, even when we do bad things. It says "If I go up to heaven, you are there; if I go to hell, you are there." I don't think I ever thought of that. He is wherever we go. We're told this as children to shame us into not doing anything bad but as we grow older, we realize that it's a comfort not something to be ashamed of. He knows all the things we do and loves us anyway. We can't always say that about ourselves or those who love us. We find out that someone has done bad things and cast judgment on them. We hurt other people and they stop loving us.

This has really shown me that if a God who knows EVERYTHING about us can love us, why... WHY can't we just love other people without judgment, blame, hatred or anger? Why do we feel that we can judge others when the God that is by our sides at all times doesn't judge us? It goes back to removing the plank from our own eye before helping someone else with the sawdust in theirs. Do we have any right to do that when we are just as much to blame for private sins? Nothing is private to God. It's always scared me but now I need to learn that it's really a comfort. He loves us enough to 'hem us in' on all sides. He loves us enough to be with us in hell and sing praises with us in heaven.

He is God. He is God alone. Let's just start being human and let God take care of judgment. Love as He loves and live as He has asked.

Spiritual Journey: Watching, Reading, and Reflecting

2009-07-17T20:52:00.007-04:00

Lying in bed reading Maya Angelou's All God's Children Need Travelling Shoes while 'listening' to her recount a breakfast she had, a black woman, with a German family, German neighbors and a Jew and hearing of her innocent question that started a horrible ending to the meal made me start thinking. I remembered The Boy in the Striped Pajamas and the horrendous ending to that and Schindler's List that my father didn't allow us to listen to due to the F-bomb being used too much. I live with a German man who can be the most thoughtful person I know and I realize that so many people have so many prejudice(s?) against those who are not like them. I thank my stars that all the women before me fought for rights so that I might own a business and not be married at almost 29 without people looking at me funny.

This evening, I also watched the movie Doubt about the Catholic priest accused by a nun of being innappropriate with a black 12-year-old. So many dynamics in that movie - gay, black/white, Catholic, nuns, priests, fathers who beat their children, a mother's love, unfounded accusations, trust, disbelief, etc. The fact that the movie is dedicated to the sweet young nun makes you realize that the story is most likely true. The prejudice in that movie was haunting, even between nun and priest. Heartwrenching stuff.

Before reading Ms. Angelou's book this evening, I flipped through In the Grip of Grace by Max Lucado to see if I wanted to read a little deeper and found that I was too tired to get really deep opting for what I thought would be a lighter read. Lucado's words caught my eye before I shut it and stuck with me through my other reading. "What separates us from God is sin." and Paul says: "There is no one who always does what is right, not even one. There is no one who understands. There is no one who looks to God for help. All have turned away. Together, everyone has become useless. There is no one who does anything good; there is not even one." (Romans 3:10-11)

Every single one of us has blown it. We've all done everything wrong. At least we have a faithful God who allows us to come to Him, even when everyone else points their fingers, and He will forgive us. Let me repeat "every single one of us has blown it." I have, you have, we all have. In Doubt, the priest looked at the nun and said "have you never committed a mortal sin?" She starts to get teary and says she has. He said "then we are the same." She disagrees greatly. But it's true! Ms. Angelou recounts the German telling a story about a man who puts a bird in warm poo to keep it alive in the dead of winter, when the bird wakes up from thawing out he starts making noise and a wolf comes by and eats it. The morals ring true: 1. He who puts you in the sh*t is not necessarily your enemy. 2. He who takes you out is not necessarily your friend. 3. Once you find yourself in the sh*t, learn to keep your big mouth shut.

In my beliefs, every sin is equal. A white lie is equal to that of cheating on your spouse. The cheating might hurt another person much more but both must be apologized for and asked of God for forgiveness. Being that all of us have committed sins and caused harm to ourselves and others, we have hurt God more times than we want to know. His pain is not something we physically feel all the time but the burden gets very heavy until we ask for forgiveness. Why is that we feel the need to be the man on the hill judging others for sinning? My pastor just spoke about removing the plank from our own eye before trying to point out the sawdust in anothers.

I have had a really rough few years learning by making mistakes and growing. because of it. Growing is painful. I was told recently that God doesn't allow us to go through things that we won't learn from. He doesn't allow us to make mistakes for no reason. I feel that my mistakes have led me to a place of deep reflection and have given me a quiet sort of peace about where my life will lead from her on out. This doesn't mean that I will not continue daily to make mistakes and hurt Him but at least I know that God is in control, not me. I am only asked to obey Him and to praise Him. He needs my full attention. He is my father, my savior and my comforter. What more could I want?

Spiritual Journey: Prayer, Preoccupation & Provision

2009-07-13T07:58:00.004-04:00

Devotions are something that have always made me groan. The thought of sitting down every day for 30 minutes and reading my Bible makes my brain hurt for some reason. I have protested for years since I felt like I had no time although I always had time to do things that weren't 'devotional'. Now that I'm getting older, I realized that I really needed to start reading my Bible and listening for God's voice. I found a book called Devotions for Women on the Go back in March and have been studying my way through it. It was written just for me since 5 minutes seems to be about all my attention span allows for. This book seems to have been written with the knowledge that I would need exactly what it said on the day that I read it. I'll admit, God is amazingly detail-oriented. I am shocked every time I open the book to see that the verses and the little story relate to whatever it is that I need that day. The last few days have been plainly shocking yet typical.

PRAYER: July 10 was about Praying to Win - praying for those who mistreat you, for the strength not to fall into temptation, not to make mistakes, for a wonderful future, to be strengthened, to share the gospel, to be worthy of your calling, to be generous, to have a clear conscience and to confess your sins among other things. As much as I try to sit and pray, the things that leave my mouth are usually "Lord, help me be the woman You want me to be. Give me strength and courage. Allow my business to grow." Mostly 'give me, help me, allow me, do this for me' stuff. Instead this devotional told me that I need to pray for others, pray for His help to keep me from doing things He's asked me not to, pray for His forgiveness and for the forgiveness of others, pray that I might be generous in my words, thoughts and gifts, pray that I might live up to His calling for me... There's an Addison Road song 'What Do I Know of Holy' that says:

I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time

This has always been a problem. I have always wanted to know what it felt like to really 'hear God'. My friend Michele hears things from Him all the time - clearly too - and I'm not sure I can ever say that I heard anything. It's not because He hasn't been speaking, it's just because I haven't been listening. Next time I sit down to pray, I need to just soak and quiet my mind so I can hear what He has to say. Give myself over to Him and receive His forgiveness. Pray to win.

PREOCCUPATION: July 11 spoke of Preparing for the Attack on us. Whenever we start putting all of our faith in God and giving ourselves over to His love, we are at our most vulnerable to attack. It spoke of starting a new business as one of the times this can happen which fits me extremely well. They talked about physical setbacks, technical setbacks, preoccupation and heaviness of heart as things that can be attacks on what we are striving for.

Preoccupation stuck out to me. My pastor had told me that it would be the best thing for me to take a year off from dating so I could focus on my business because the preoccupation will keep me from accomplishing my goals. Satan is an angel who got off track and his favorite tool is getting us off track with him. I know this to be very true in my life. If I have something to keep me preoccupied, I'll stay with that instead of doing the things I know will help me accomplish my goal.

The heaviness of heart has been something that has really been weighing on me for a few weeks. Normally I am a really glowing, happy, overwhelming person to others and I've had a lot of people ask me 'Is everything ok?' 'You sound sad...' lately. I haven't been able to figure out exactly what it is. I've been going through a lot lately and have been under an insane amount of stress (mostly self-induced) but in the past, I've been able to power through and get through it with a smile on my face. I feel emotionally, physically and spiritually exhausted lately. I know the causes of all of it and know that my 'praying to win' and keeping myself from preoccupation will help me find the glow again. God has the power to life the weight off, I just need to focus on that.

PROVISION: Today (July 13) spoke about Provision and Psalm 37:23-29. Verses 23 and 24 really stuck out to me with the worries I've been starting to feel lately about my business and hiring people. I know in my heart and in my head that I don't need to worry because God will take care of it but these verses really showed me that I need to stand firm in Him.

"If the Lord delights in a man's way,
he makes his steps firm;
though he stumble, he will not fall,
for the Lord upholds him with his hand."

This doesn't say that we will never stumble, even if we stand firm in the Lord but it says that we will not fall. This shows me that when I stand right with God and do as He has asked, He will take care of me and I can't fail. I am an overly ambitious person and always have a million things going on, my goal is to make each of those things a success. There's a great question that people seem to ask all the time "What would you do if you knew you couldn't fail?" With God, I can't fail.

While I'm running and training, I've been repeating Isaiah 40:31: "but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." I know that no matter what it is that I put my mind to, God will hold me up and keep me going. It doesn't say that I won't trip, stumble, or have to slow down but I will never grow wearing, faint or fall down. I cannot fail.

God is good. He is indeed. He knew me and my path before I was born. He knew I would hit bottom and rise up again. He knew it would take a few times for me to fail on my own for me to come crawling to Him asking for Him to help me back up. He's always been there and always will be. I just need to trust that I can hold His hand and keep moving forward and that He'll never let me down.

Spiritual Journey: Breaking the Habits

2009-07-10T19:10:00.003-04:00

Since my divorce almost 6 years ago, I've been searching for myself. I had realized when I left my marriage that I had no idea who I was because I was trying so hard to be the woman my husband wanted. Once I was out on my own, I searched in all the wrong places for the things that I thought would make me whole - all the things of this world. I kept going to church and although my faith was getting stronger in such small ways, I never found 'it'. I never pushed hard enough and always fell back on the things that were not right for my walk with God. I became hardened and bitter with each passing year against the idea of love, the idea of finding the truth, the idea of finding myself. I kept thinking I was never going to make it and no one really cared about me.

As most of you know, I am an overwhelmingly honest person, mostly to a fault. I have never had a problem being myself in front of people and they know what they are getting when they befriend me. I do not befriend people who can't handle my personality and steer clear of those who make themselves out to be 'perfect' as I am just a normal girl trying to find her way in the world. I had always talked about changing and becoming someone who was more accepted and less set in my ways but what I didn't realize was that I am who I am and that will never change.

I got to a place of wanting true change (in the wrong direction) about 18 months ago and decided to plow into a new relationship with the idea that I could be a different person than who I am. It should have ended on the second date due to realizing that I would never fit into his life but I decided I wanted badly to be a perfect woman in a perfect relationship with a perfect guy. The reflection of who I wanted to be and who I thought he wanted me to be. This led to my deception, deception to him and myself. I did everything I could to hide the true me because every time it came to the surface, it was pushed back under water and not allowed to breathe. So, I started weaving a lie about who I was which, as all lies are, was eventually found out and caused a long(LONG) series of explosions and pain for both of us. In the end, bad communication became habit for both of us, keeping things to myself became a way to try to hide even little things, and hatred of each other that had been pushed down for so long came ringing through. As all relationships that start with a lack of 'you', it screeched to a halt over and over again until it just blew up. This does not make me sad - it gives me full self-realization that I must be myself at all costs - even losing the man I believed I loved.

Habits are hard to break. A friend told me once that it takes 40 days of doing the same thing 16 times a day to break a habit. If you want to be yourself and stop lying to yourself and others about who you really are, you must tell yourself who you really are 16x a day for 40 days. Instead of doing this, I have decided to take it one step further with praying and talking through my insecurities, my worries, my hurt, my deception, and my growth for a year. My friends and confidantes know exactly who I am, where I come up short and how imperative it is for me to be the woman I really am instead of the person I think others want me to be. I lack control when it comes to temptation in many different avenues as most people do. Temptation is not the sin but acting on it is. Removing the temptation will allow me to break the habit. Keeping myself from the thought of needing to be someone else around anyone will allow me to keep my head clear, my eyes on Christ and my thoughts pure.

Everyone has bad habits, I don't need to list mine here for you. Those closest to me know exactly what has caused me to take a year off and allow me to become the woman I should have been. I will have no reason to lie about who I am if I am able to just be myself and this year will give me the freedom to find out who I really am. I know that God will lead me to the places He has prepared for me. I just need to take baby steps, clear out my life and my head and push forward down that path toward Him.

The Beginning of My Journey

2009-07-08T20:40:00.005-04:00

This journey of spiritual growth and self-awareness has been a bumpy one so far. I've moved off the path of the journey and gone away to find myself entangled in deception and pain and realized that I was not on the right path again. The right path is the path of Christ, the path that will save me from all of my worldly hindrances and give me a peaceful place to rest.

The first few days of this journey pulled me off on a side road and had me stall in my reaching for Christ. I went back to the things I swore off and chose to believe in those more than Christ and put them above Him. Why? Because I'm an addict. I've become so addicted to these things that I couldn't stop thinking about how wonderful they could be and continue to forget how badly disfunctional they really are. Deception pulled me back out and the pain of that gave me the chance to walk away for the last and final time. I will not stall again. I will walk forward, even if it is slowly but I will not walk backward again.

This journey that I am on is one of faith, passion, pursuit and hunger. I am starving for the love that God so freely gives and not because He won't give it but because I find myself in unhealthy relationships and this stifles my relationship with God. I look for love in the wrong places, I seek favor and acceptance from the wrong people, I leave those who love me behind for those who can't possibly - and for what? A few seconds of joy. This joy that never lasts, never fills me up and always lets me down when it's over.

I look around me and see the beauty God gave us, the wealth of opportunity, the incredible happiness he has bestowed and I wonder why I keep pushing it all away for something that doesn't even accept the 'real me'. I know that I can be an incredibly strong Christian woman with a courageous heart and a mighty soul but I am weak to the prison that is my sin. I choose to do the things I know I shouldn't do in pursuit of something I shouldn't have. I want so badly to be loved that I forget God's love. Now that I am finally back on the path, limping a little but definitely on the path, I find myself pushing forward as if I'm in a race and I just want to glimpse the finish line but I know it's a thousand miles away. One foot in front of the other is all I can do at this point.

I woke up yesterday to the song 'Going Through the Motions' by Matthew West on the Christian Rock station and it's been with me since then - 2 full days of just repeating those words.

I don’t wanna go through the motions
I don’t wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don’t wanna spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything?
Instead of going through the motions

I honestly don't want to go through the motions anymore. I don't want to call myself a Christian and then find out that hell is really meeting the person you could have been. I want to be the person that others look at and say 'she's obviously figured it out'. My light has been out for the last few weeks and I want it back. I've been calling myself a Christian since I was a kid but not actually living it out. I'm sick of living a life of purity with other Christians and then going home to sin privately. I want to be a woman of God, His daughter. I want my light to come shining through in everything that I do.

God has blessed me so incredibly and this fast will allow me to really live out His plans for me without the distraction of men in my life. I was reading I Peter 3:8-12 during my devotions tonight and it really struck me that the relationships I have had were unGodly in more ways than I even thought, going against exactly what He's asked of me since He says:

⁸Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. ⁹Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing. ¹⁰For,
"Whoever would love life
and see good days
must keep his tongue from evil
and his lips from deceitful speech.
¹¹He must turn from evil and do good;
he must seek peace and pursue it.
¹²For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous
and his ears are attentive to their prayer,
but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil."

I want to make sure to follow this to a T from now on. To give those who insult me blessings. To seek God's peace AND pursue it. Not just seek it but actually go AFTER it... run after it and really feel like I'm finding what He wants for me, not just what I want. I need to cure my addiction, cleanse my heart and my life and give myself the ability to find what it is that God has ready for me. This is just the beginning. Ready, set, pray!

Baby-Sitters Club Books Search

2009-06-07T15:55:00.000-04:00

UPDATED 6/7/09 (Original post 4/11/09)

When I was younger, I was an avid Baby-Sitters Club book reader. The library would let me take out up to 5 at a time and I would devour them. I've been coming across more and more over the years and started collecting them. I have about 70 at the moment but would love the whole collection... possibly for future nieces or offspring.

I am on the hunt to complete my collection of Baby-Sitter Club books. If anyone has any of these, I will buy them... I won't pay more than 25-50c each since they aren't really worth anything. Please let me know if you come across any. I'm happy to pay for any I don't have. I'll keep this updated if anyone comes across any. I typically find them at yard sales and thrift stores. I appreciate all the help I can get.

The list can be found here (although I have a few that aren't listed): BabySitters Club Checklist

I'm looking for:
Regular: 14, 16, 18, 19, 21, 24, 25, 27, 29, 31, 33, 34, 42, 44, 45, 46, 48, 50, 54, 56, 57, 58, 63, 64, 66, 70-94, 97, 98, 101-110, 112-131
Special Book: Logan's Story, Logan Bruno, Shannon's Story
Mystery: 2, 3, 4, 7, 8, 10-16, 18-22, 24, 25, 28-36
Friends Forever: 1-12
Super Mystery: 2-4
Super Special: 2, 8

Please don't buy the Little Sister ones... I'm not interested in those.

THANK YOU to all who can help! Even one here or there!

Italia - Day Six

2009-06-01T10:32:00.004-04:00

We woke at 9am to the sound of torrential downpour – ugh. By 11am it had cleared up enough that we headed out for our day but took Metro from Termini to Octavvio and picked up my glasses (LOVE them)!! Then, through the pouring rain with all the other tourists with umbrellas, we set off to the Vatican. Michele was slipping so much in her flip flops that she started walking with bare feet through the rain on the cobblestones. When we got there, there were thousands of umbrellas and people standing in line. We decided it wasn’t worth going inside due to how packed it would be and how long we’d have to stand in line. After capturing a few photos and reminiscing about the movie last night, we headed to Castel d’Sant Angelo (which is the castle of the angels) and another spot from the movie. We had been there at night and I have to say that it was much more spectacular in the dark with all the lights. Just as the Vatican was so interesting because there were no tourists and it was all lit up.

Next, we moved onto Piazza Navona and although we had great pictures from our first night here, I felt the need to get a picture of me giving one of the statues in the fountain a high five. We walked toward the Pantheon (which is around the corner from Navona) again. Both of these places were also in the movie last night. The Pantheon is gorgeous inside, probably would have been a lot better if it had been sunny but after seeing Tom Hanks inside of it the night before, it felt more interesting. I hadn’t realized that it was a church, but here everything seems to be a church of some sort. We had lunch looking at the Pantheon and enjoyed watching tourists from all over the world. I love how in Rome you can walk down an alley and find yourself at ancient ruins amidst the city. You can see how the city was built up around it but I wonder what it looked like before all the buildings.

Addendum:

Michele and I went to Termini to get our tickets for tomorrow’s flight and then went to chill out waiting for 2 hours for Night at the Museum 2 to start. We laughed hysterically (well, ok, I’m a kid with movies like that) and headed for Cotto. As we walked in, we felt like regulars and were treated like queens. We got pictures with the guys that waited on us all week, they served us a free little cocktail and the peanuts/chips/olives from last time and we sat in the little waiting area relaxing before dinner. Our dinner was incredible – as usual. Michele got the pasta with seafood and I got the Deliziosa again along with a bottle of their house wine. When we were finished, we both got dessert – Michele with chocolate mousse (which was a flourless chocolate cake) and I got vaniglia truffle ice cream… the mix of the two was heaven. The waiters were ridiculously sweet and so helpful – even asking that we send them the picture of all of us to them for posterity. Such a perfect way to end our trip to Roma. I wish there was a place like that in the States.

I feel so relaxed and ready to come home and hit the ground running. Ready for whatever God has decided to give me. The path that he has paved for me has become much clearer throughout this entire trip. I’ll definitely write more in the next week about the God part but this has been an incredible end to our vacation – a true vacation. Now we’re jamming to Jamiroquai and I’m finally finishing my blog! Bless you for spending this time reading about my adventures and growth. Be home soon.

Check out the photo album of our highlights

Italia - Day Five

2009-06-01T10:29:00.003-04:00

Today was the day of sleeping in and relaxation. We have been running around for 4 days and realized we needed a real vacation of just being relaxed. It was so quiet and peaceful to sleep until 11am after a night of really seeing what God was doing in both of us. Michele and I were up until 2:30am last night just reveling in the mercy and grace of our great God. He has been showing us so much favor and blessing us on our trip. This trip would have been very different without Him as our guide. The people who have crossed our paths and the love we’ve felt is not something we could recreate on our own.

We found the Supermercato this morning around noon after we stumbled out of bed. We found yogurt, Cheerios, milk and ‘juice’ along with Italian pasta for Thorsten and sardines for my dad. It was nice eating in the room – our first real breakfast since we arrived. Commenting on how much we wish we could find Denny’s, we asked God to bless our ‘American’ meal and then showered and walked out for a day out. Although the map said that the Colosseo (Coliseum) was about 3 miles away, it was really only about a 10 minuto walk. Along the way to the Colosseo, we found some great little shops that had inexpensive, good quality clothing and shoes AND were open on Domenico (Sunday) so we decided to stop by on our way back. As we walked down the street, we realized there were no cars on the street. Everything had been blocked off for the Giro d’Italia (bike race) in Roma. As we got closer to the Colosseo, there was a lot of noise and a lot of people. Much to our dismay, most of it had been blocked off for the race and although we found a great spot up the hill to take pictures, it wasn’t the same… so, we will be back tomorrow instead.

Thus the shopping ensued. We found a great place that had bathing suits, underwear and some summer things and fell in love. I found a sexy little black bikini that I felt sexy in (amazing, right?) and some cute striped shorts and a tank along with 4 pairs of comfy undies for 50 euros. Michele found some cute pants, a skirt and a sexy orange bikini that made her feel sexy too. Then we went back to a place that screamed Michele and she found some really great clothes that spiced up the colors of her wardrobe. By then, we realized we were hungry and headed to Cotto again for lunch at 4pm.

Sitting outside under the umbrella in the beautiful courtyard, we ordered a bottle of wine and two fantastic pizzas (Campana and Deliziosa) and enjoyed a quiet afternoon in the cool breeze. The bartender kept making cute faces at us and brought us a little tray of olives, chips and peanuts because he said he felt blessed that we were alive. These little reminders that God is so in love with us and shows us through the people we encounter are irreplaceable. When we were finished, we changed into something a little nicer and headed for the Metro at Termini for a church service in the south only to come out at Subaugusta in torrential downpour. We made it across the street in a lighter rain and then it started raining harder. God must have been telling us that when we are in Rome, we must do as the Romans and we’ll get spiritually led at the Vatican tomorrow. Obviously need to listen to Him. When we got back to Termini, blue skies – can you say that it was ‘el signo de Dio?’

After getting a few more gifts for family and friends, we stopped at the ristorante on the corner and asked the waiter (who had been bugging me to have dinner with him) if he knew where the Warner Village Cinema was. Right around the corner! Warner Village has English movies that are untranslated – YAY! Both Michele and I felt very led to see Angels and Demons while in Rome and it just so happens to be playing in English the day before we go to the Vatican around the corner from where we are staying. ‘El signo de Dio’s are everywhere!

Later:

It’s almost 2am again and it’s still really day five but I feel the need to explain something. This evening was orchestrated by God, there seems to be no other explanation for it. When we decided to go to church today, we went to the torrential downpour 13 stops away from our hotel. We realized it wasn’t meant to be since we really didn’t know where we were going and it was pouring so we went back 13 stops. During the Metro ride, we saw the commercial for the un-translated movies and it reminded me that it was Warner Village. After we arrived at Termini, I told Michele that we should stop by the postcard place to get these artsy postcards and as we were walking toward the corner, I told her we should ask the waiter. She said that maybe we should just go home and check online but since we did stop and ask him, we were a short walk away from the theatre. The timing was perfect as it left us about 2 hours before we had to go to see Angels and Demons. It seemed like just the right thing to do.

Let me tell you – it was an INCREDIBLE movie. It doesn't even 'trash' the Catholic religion but because it brings hope for things to come – a unity of sorts between Catholics and other faiths. It allowed me to see the treachery of this infamous religion but also see the heart and soul of what it was founded on. Throughout the whole movie we kept exclaiming that we had just been at each of the places today or recently and when we walked out, we were in Rome! What a time and place to see a movie like that. Now tomorrow has been reorganized and we’re going to do some serious sightseeing. If we had gone to see the movie tomorrow or when we returned or even before we came, we wouldn’t have been able to see everything that we felt pulled to see. I’m sure this doesn’t make much sense but we both feel that God has placed some serious roots in both of us to feel His love and find His peace through our last day here. We keep thinking of it as the grand finale and it will be the most incredible day.

On the schedule is the Coliseum (Colosseo), Forum (Foro Romano), Campidoglio, Pantheon, Castel Sant Angelo (St. Angelo’s Castle) again, Vatican City tour, Piazza del Popolo, and back through the Fontana di Trevi (Trevi Fountain). I’ll be able to pick up my new eyeglasses and see the whole city. It’s all walking distance and will make for an exhausting and wonderful last day – all seen through different eyes after this movie.

What an incredible day – fully brought to us by God.

Ciao!

Italia - Day Four

2009-05-30T18:27:00.003-04:00

Last night after I wrote, I went to Termini to get our tickets for Florence. It was a relaxing little walk to and from the ‘stazione’ and I stopped to pick up postcards on the way back. The trip was much cheaper than we expected and the man told me that it would be 2 hours there, 2 hours back. (you’ll find out that I was obviously lied to). Michele and I went around the corner from our hotel to Ristorante Cotto, a VERY urban contemporary Italian place that seemed very American/Italian in looks but the food was delicious. We sat for 3 hours talking, I had mozzarella/tomato/arugula pizza and Michele had a scrawny chicken with rosemary potatoes, a bottle of white house wine (vino de bianco) and tiramisu for dessert. I was getting a picture in the restaurant and the waiter came up and decided to be in it with me. That seems to happen a lot! All in all, it was a wonderful evening.

Written at 10:30am:
Michele and I have been here for four full days and it feels as if it’s been a few weeks. I woke up at 7am after 5 hours of sleep and ran through the streets of Rome for about 20 minutes. My lungs and legs seem to be getting better acclimated to running again and the cool air helped. It rained last night and some of the clouds were left over. Now we are on our way to Firenze (Florence) for the day. It’s much colder today than it has been – a welcomed relief. The train ride has seemed a bit frustrating to me so far but it’s probably because I’m missing my light today. The shininess isn’t with me and probably by my own accord. Frustrated by the child smacking his pizza and kicking his ball into my shins, we moved to a place where a woman scolded me in Italian that they don’t put their feet on the seats.

Written now:
I have been reading a book called Crazy Love – Overwhelmed by a Relentless God by Francis Chan. It’s an incredible book that gives HUGE insight into the love we should have for Him and the love He has for us. I’ll blog more about my findings after my trip but I have to mention that it’s been a part of some growth and learning for me while I’ve been here. I’ve been hungry for that kind of love, a love that I can’t seem to find here on earth because it doesn’t exist. The love of the Creator Himself. Back to that at a later date, my journal is filling to the brim with things I want to share in the near future.

What I was saying earlier about hearing the 2 hours to Firenze was a lie – it ended up being 4 hours and we were in a hurry from our hotel to the train station that we had not eaten any breakfast and were STARVING after 4 hours sitting on a train without anything but water. The first thing we did when we got off the train was head for food. We found an incredible place called Palle D’Oro that didn’t seem to be a touristy place and got ¾ of a liter of vino bianco and Caprese. Wow… Then, the gnocchi’s with meat sauce came. Heaven on a plate. They were little soft pearls of potato pasta in a perfectly seasoned sauce with chunks of beef. We were elated to finally get really homemade, well done pasta in Italy.

After that we started shopping and picked up things for our families, friends and selves. All the little stalls had the same things though… we felt like we were walking in circles since the same bags, leather jackets, cashmere scarves, ties, beads and Italy-wear were in every stall. We found some things we had hoped for but it seemed a bit of a let-down compared to what we expected. We then tried to see David in the museo but the line wasn’t worth waiting for, especially since we were on a time limit. We found the outdoor David along with many other statues of, what looked like, threesomes and strife. We went to the main Cathedral, which was beautiful (and got some ‘holy’ pictures inside), then found the Ponte Vecchio (old bridge) with buildings on it and then continued back to our shopping.

By the time we finished shopping, we had to start heading back toward the train and stopped into a little market for water, some cheese, prosciutto, and strawberries (fragola) for the ride back to Roma. The 4-hour ride back was uneventful although I wrote a ton about what I had been reading about being in love with God and not being a lukewarm Christian. The things I am seeing with my open eyes… I am so blessed.

The next two days will be spent at the Coliseum, going to a charismatic church in Rome (I know, I have a hard time believing there is one), doing the Vatican tour and picking up my new glasses. I’ve realized that since we’ve been here, we’ve had helpful people every step of the way. Everyone has been extremely accommodating, easy to speak with, and willing to lend a helping hand. Even after feeling crappy the other day, a drunken Spaniard lifted my spirits and made me laugh. I know that these people are not getting anything from us for their time and effort but I hope they feel as blessed as I do. Hopefully my light will continue to get brighter.

In my Real Simple magazine, I read a quote that I’ll share with you: “There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.” – Edith Wharton. I want to be a candle of light and if I can’t, I want to reflect God’s love from that. This trip is showing me how to slow down, take inventory of the things I have been blessed with and figure out how to use those things to bless others with. I look forward to finding a way to be that blessing.

Ciao!

Italia - Day Three

2009-05-29T14:31:00.002-04:00

What a perfect day to sleep late. We woke up around 9 and looked at each other and said “more sleep”. At 11, I rolled out of bed, threw on running gear and ran down the street. The city seemed to be just waking up and tourists were packing the streets. The shops were open, restaurants were ready for paying customers and gelato shops were ready for the overheated. As Italians are not runners by nature, I found myself getting laughs and stares… my city style black running outfit and white Saucony’s were as out of place as my blond hair and blue eyes but I was hitting the cobblestones with a renewed love for running. I have a stress fracture in my right foot preventing me from running for almost a month and the 20 minutes of glorious running in the Italian sun started my day off just right.

Getting back to the room sweating profusely, Michele and I got ready for a day at the Vatican. Knees and shoulders must be covered – but what about all the cleavage in this city? Does the holy city not care about boob-coverage?!

Let me get off on a little tangent for just a moment. Since we arrived in Italy, all the women seem to wear painted on pants, 3+” heels and every possible inch of their breasts on display. The hair is another story, which I won’t get into. Why is it that the place where the nuns, priests and the Pope live the one place you see the most seductive women in the world? Is there a reason to put everything out there for men to stray off a straight path? I am not the most proper American but I find it almost repulsive to be walking around with all my goods exposed. I can’t imagine being a man in this city, especially a newcomer since even I couldn’t keep my eyes away from the lack of modesty.

Back to the day – Michele and I found a bus near our hotel that took us to S. Pietro and as we got closer to the Vatican, the bus became more packed. The overwhelming smell of armpits continued to wash over me as more Italians raised their arms to hold onto the bars of the bus. As close as a full can of sardines, we finally broke free and headed through the entrance to St. Peter’s Cathedral and found a small restaurant (Amalfi Pizzeria) on the other side. My calzone with ham and mozzarella was delicious and the ½ liter of white wine washed it down perfectly. We saw the line for the cathedral as we passed through and decided it would be better to just go shopping for the day.

Shopping was interesting as Italian women follow you around the store having you try on a jacket with the skirt you decided you wanted. Michele and I both found white linen pants, I scored a beautiful white summer dress and some black Roman sandals. Jack is going to be the proud owner of an adorable outfit with Italian on it and my mom is going to love the shirt I found for her. We even saw men’s underwear with corn printed on it and one large cob strategically placed (had to get a picture of this).

As we decided we were done for the day, we headed back toward the Metro and I spotted a glasses shop with a pair of Prada eyewear in the window… we walked in. I have been in need of some variety of glasses and desperately needed a pair that was better quality. I tried them on and they fit perfectly… tortoise shell with bronze diamonds on the sides. I fell in love – see, I knew I’d find love in Roma. The man in the shop had be try on a few other pairs but the first ones were exactly what I wanted. He found a black pair with pink diamonds on the sides and I fell in love with those too. He said he could have them ready for me the following day with my prescription… I handed over my debit card and said I’d be back Monday… in LOVE with two pairs of glasses… Prada from Roma. Wow!

Once we arrived back at Termini, we purchased two tickets to Napoli Centrale but realized when we asked the concierge at the hotel that it wasn’t the best idea to try to make it to Positano as you needed to take to boats and the price was tremendous. So, instead of Venice or Positano, we will be heading to Florence like we originally planned and enjoying the day at the markets there. I’m on my way back to the train station to change tickets now.

The rest of this evening will be spent working (Michele on an annual report and me on my business sites’ interior pages) and enjoying a nice meal out as it’s almost 8pm. What a relaxing day. Off we will go to Florence early tomorrow.

Ciao!

Italia - Day Two

2009-05-28T23:59:00.000-04:00

Still not influenced as much by the time difference, I was up late last night and up early this morning. 7am wake up, showered and ready to hit the beach. Still in shock that today is only day two of this great adventure, Michele and I headed for Termini buying grapes, an orange and Gatorade for the trek to Sperlonga. Sperlonga is a beach town about an hour outside of Rome costing about $16 RT to visit. We quickly found out how the Italian ‘tren’ schedule works… not very well unless you’re watching the ever-changing digital boards like a hawk. We sat at #13 waiting for our train for about 20 minutes before realizing it wasn’t coming. When we did find it, it had just left a different terminal so we missed it. We decided to get coffee and wait for the next one… a foamy upper lip and a chocolate muffin later, we found our new train about an hour after our first was to leave and this one was 30 minutes late. Finally, at 10:30 we boarded a train and headed through the beautiful countryside of outer Rome. Vineyards and villas, rolling hills and trees along the track made for a scenic ride.

About 90 minutes later, we arrived at Sperlonga and went out to wait for the bus. A taxi driver asked us where we were going and tried to get us to coerce others to come with us and go but we found a wonderful Canadian Italian named Tony who explained how the taxi’s weren’t legal and that the bus was only a euro. We talked to her and another American couple who were visiting the beach for the day. Tony gave us great advice and told us about a Patecceria y Gelataria in Sperlonga that was to die for.

Once we arrived in the older area of town, we found a place to get pesto pasta that was fresh and delicious in a little walled in garden area in the beautiful little village. Time for the beach… the water was cold but welcome, it was so clear and clean and the waves crashed into me pulling at my bikini bottoms a few times. I looked up and saw the village on the hill cascading down the side and ending just before the water. The little whitewashed homes were picturesque. We rented chairs and an umbrella but sat in the sun with 15SPF the whole time just soaking up the rays. It was peaceful and the white wine (which they filled water bottles with) hit the spot. A little tipsy was I when we headed for the gelato shop to get some pastries and caffe gelato and tried to find the bus. Walking all over the main street but no signs were found. We found Tony again who told us we were in the right spot but after having her to chat with (and feed us incredible fruit), we had waited 2 hours and were really ready to get on the train. Finally I asked someone local and she directed me to a woman who spoke English and Italian. This woman finally found someone who said that the bus would be there at 7:30 (we had been waiting since just after the 5pm bus).

The train ride home was peaceful and we arrived back at Termini around 9pm. While we were walking through the station we decided to check the prices for tickets to Florence and Positano and then decided to see what it would cost to go to Venice and how long it would take. When we found that Positano was 3 hours/$20 one way, Florence was 3 hours and $60 one way, we decided to see about Venice. $80 and 4 hours… Saturday will be our trip up to Venice. Monday will be Positano. This trip is anything but planned out and always changing.

After getting freshened up, I had a bit of a rude awakening and a sadness washed over me, so we decided to head out for dinner (definitely on Italian eating schedule) and find pizza and wine. I finally found cheer and a smile crept across my face after dinner. The area we went was beautiful and packed with people while the pizza and wine were delicious. We went to the bus stop to head back to the hotel and found ourselves entertained by a drunk Spaniard. His friends were obviously hoping we wouldn’t be offended and he was teasing everyone. Michele started talking to a guy who ended up trying to guess her age and pronounced ‘imposible!’ when she told him. The Spaniard had an affinity for me and by the end, I was laughing so hard and we were dancing in the courtyard waiting for the bus. Even on the bus, he was tickling men who walked by and no one seemed offended.

A beautiful day at the beach followed by a great dinner and some much needed laughter. Tomorrow, we are off to the Coliseum, the Sistine Chapel, Campo de Fiore and shopping (and probably a million other things). How is it possible that we’ve only been here two days?!

Ciao!

Italia - Day One

2009-05-27T19:10:00.003-04:00

Sleepless 8.5 hour flight + 1.5 hrs waiting for bags and customs + 1 hour waiting for train and arriving at Roma Termini. Michele and I had an incredible flight over, a few shaky moments but spent a lot of time really listening to what God was saying. I wrote some incredible things which I’ll share after my trip.

Arriving in Rome’s airport with hundreds of other passengers, some returning home, others on holiday, Michele and I found ourselves exhausted and ready for a shower. We made our way through the airport, retrieved our bags and headed for the train. The train station was something out of a movie (probably has been used for movies) and hadn’t been cleaned since it was built. Every train that pulled into the station was covered in graffiti. Once we finally found seats on a train headed for Rome, we watched as the countryside and rolled hay became run down city limits and I started to worry that Italy wasn’t what I imagined. Clotheslines hanging off balconies, thousands of TV antennas, broken down cars, more graffiti… We pulled into Roma Termini and de-trained heading for our hotel. A few blocks later, we walked through a huge doorway into a beautiful courtyard and an English-speaking receptionist helped us to our room.

The room overlooks the Teatro Opera and is spacious compared to other European hotels. There is a chandelier on the ceiling, a huge flat screen tv and dvd player (not that we’ll need it), an absolutely STUNNING bathroom with a rain shower and jets along with a bidet and glass sink. The shower I took was heaven… I fell in love right there.

Once we were showered and changed, we headed to the streets for food. Everyone around us was getting ready for the big football game (Manchester against Italia) and the men were singing at the top of their lungs. We found a little spot in the sun and ordered pasta – after wanting to eat our hands we finally received our food and were very disappointed – it tasted like something I could cook in my microwave. So much for that!

We headed for the Trevi fountain and as I was trying to take a picture of us, an Italian man pulled my camera away and took it for me – then said something in Italian, blew a kiss and walked away. The Trevi fountain is majestic… pictures don’t describe it but I’ve tried to capture it for those who haven’t seen it in person. There were thousands of people surrounding it talking to each other and getting ready for the game – everything is so communal here.

Michele and I grabbed some gelato (caffe and tiramisu for me) and the man behind the counter asked where I was from, grabbed my hand, kissed it and called me princess… he was about 60. Sweet man. We girls decided to head to the Spanish steps, which weren’t as impressive as I expected, mostly a place to hang out. The boat fountain was interesting though and the ‘Rodeo Drive’-esque area behind it was incredible. Versace, Prada, Yves St. Laurent, Gucci – all in one area. I was a little star-studded just walking down the street.

We started heading toward the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier and decided it would be our last stop before we headed back for an infamous Italian nap. The architecture was amazing and there are two soldiers guarding it at all times. The soldiers are not like our men in the US, they didn’t stand at attention – just stood there looking around. Didn’t seem to be ‘guarding’. We got some fun pictures and headed back to the hotel.

After a wonderful 2 hour nap, we got things organized for the week and headed to dinner around 8pm at the place below our hotel. Dinner was excellent – the noodles I had were definitely homemade and so delicious. A small bottle of white wine and two pasta dishes came to $35 American… not bad! Then we were off to see more of the city. We headed to Termini to pick up our train tickets for the beach in the morning and jumped on the 64 bus to somewhere in another part of the city. We got off at the wrong stop but found a castle of a saint (can’t remember which) and saw the Vatican to our left. Something told us we really needed to head that way… the Vatican at night – wow. It’s magnificent! It’ll be interesting to see it during the day. I was thoroughly impressed by it. After we finished our picture taking, we sat down and really prayed… it was soul cleansing, felt like we were in His presence and called to be right there at that moment. He’s showing us some out-of-this-world things… much deeper than sightseeing.

We then realized we needed gelato again… we walked to the place we had hoped to find earlier and found gelato – this time I had mango and strawberry. Mmm…. We got funny pictures at the fountain and struck up a conversation with a guy who sat next to us (an Italian musician/poet) and then realized we needed to go home. We walked right into the Pantheon – which at night… can’t describe it. It’s HUGE!

Picked up a bus after that and headed home. I think this was one of the longest days of my life… but one of the best! Looking forward to a beautiful day relaxing at the beach and unwinding after weeks of preparation for this trip. Need to get recharged so I can enjoy the rest of this trip.

Check out some of our pictures here. Ciao!

Preparation for Italian Adventure

2009-05-23T20:19:00.003-04:00

My, how life has changed. One minute I'm plugging away 40 hours a week, trying to figure out what to do with my evenings and the next minute I'm working for myself 80+ hours a week and trying to figure out how to have a social life. Don't get me wrong, I am ridiculously happy about my present circumstances and busy with enough work that I had to hire an assistant (thanks @themamateresa). God has really taken everything that I've ever wanted and dreamed of and handed it to me on a silver platter - and then some. I can't be more pleased and more grateful for the things that are going on in my life. Happiness is really allowing God to direct your path.

Now I'm leaving in 3 days for a week-long Italian Adventure with Ms. Shelly-Belly AKA Michele. God's little girls are going to experience romance in Italy and feel the love from their Father on a whirlwind trip across the ocean. I have been working every day to get everything caught up so that next week is quiet and I have no work to think about while I'm away. A lot of odd things have been happening lately, along with some spiritually heavy issues but all-in-all, it's been an incredible ride these last 6 weeks. I am growing and changing and finding that God has it all taken care of before I can even think of what is coming next.

As I pack and get ready for this excursion, I need to stay focused and keep praying that God shows me what doors are open and which are closed. Praying that He will protect us and keep us from harm and allow us to see His full light. As a shining beacon of God's light already, I hope to meet new people, find peace in a new place and capture the attention of the One who has given me this passion for travel. I plan to blog while I'm away to make sure to keep memories of my trip abroad and to reflect on the things God has shown me.

I am almost ready. Just a few more days until I head off on this exciting new experience.

Love Never Fails

2009-04-19T09:37:00.003-04:00

While driving home from visiting my family recently, I heard a song on one of my new Brandon Heath CD's that touched me so deeply... The song "Love Never Fails" is based on 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. It is a common verse heard at weddings which almost anyone, even those who do not believe, know very well:
"Love is always patient; love is always kind; love is never envious or arrogant with pride."

But if continues much deeper:
"Nor is she conceited, and she is never rude; she never thinks just of herself or ever get annoyed. She never is resentful; is never glad with sin, but always glad to side with truth, whene'er the truth should win.

She bears up under everything, believes the best in all, there is no limit to her hope, and she will never fall. Love never fails."

We all know the first sentence but I think we forget the rest. When two people fall in 'love' with each other and find themselves in a loving relationship, it can be beautiful. Many tend to let the real love fall aside and move into the prideful phase - this is where relationships have a tendency to fail. Every one of mine has failed - mostly due to this. 'She never thinks just of herself or ever get annoyed' - is that even possible? I don't remember the last time I was in a relationship where I 'believed the best in all and had no limit in my hope'. Is that a fault of being human, being me or having a tainted past?

When it comes to friends, this passage bears SO truthfully and is right on target. My friends know that, I know that about my friends and no one would think differently. if they were to see us together. I love my friends, they love me. We would do anything for each other, or at least I have hope that we would. That's love. This verse really shows me what I have to build up to. If a relationship becomes prideful, a fall is inevitable. If I treat my friends with utter respect and love and follow the 'rules' 1 Corinthians proclaims, yet when I find myself in a relationship and it has passed the 'rose-colored' phase and can't recognize myself, how can I believe that is love? That leads to a much deeper question: How do we really know what love is?

I've thought I was in love numerous times only to walk away jaded and hurt and/or causing obvious pain to the person I thought was the love of my life. I have battled, I have fought, I've screamed, slammed things, thrown things, wanted to throw myself off the 3rd story floor, cried, been in so much pain that I hoped tomorrow wouldn't come... for what? Is that what love really is? If that's the case, I honestly don't want it anymore.

Then I heard this song... Love Never Fails. Two of my fellow church members are getting married in on May 17 during one of our church services and they have asked me to sing during their ceremony. After hearing this song on my long ride home, I realized that God was prompting me to sing this song for them. I couldn't think of a better thing to do! The next day, I went to church and mentioned this to my pastor, he said that he wasn't so sure but he had it as canned music for that day's Communion. I walked up to the bride and told her that the song would be playing during Communion that I wanted to sing at her wedding and to let me know what she thought. By the end of the song, joyful tears were streaming down her face and she told me that it would be such a gift for me to sing that for them. God obviously speaks and I am finally listening.

This whole interaction has shown me that His love never fails... NEVER. No matter what pain I am in, what hurt I deal with, what joy I am going through - He is there and will NEVER leave me. He is my one true love. The love of my life. He will never fail me and when He believes that I am ready to truly accept what He wants for me, I know He will show me an earthly love like I could never imagine. He gives me so much and I keep looking for love here on earth. There's a song that says "Why are you looking for love? Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough?" (By My Side - Tenth Avenue North) I am done looking for earthly love... very few people have not failed me and few people have I not failed in this 'love' thing... but I know that with God loving me and my loving Him, how could anything hurt me again? See what I mean about the song below... listen to it, meditate on it, really hear it... as many times as I've heard the passage in 1 Corinthians, I finally get it. It's your turn.

Love Never Fails - Brandon Heath
Love is not proud
Love does not boast
Love after all
Matters the most

Love does not run
Love does not hide
Love does not keep
Locked inside

Love is the river that flows through
Love never fails you

Love will sustain
Love will provide
Love will not cease
At the end of time

Love will protect
Love always hopes
Love still believes
When you don’t

Love is the arms that are holding you
Love never fails you

When my heart won’t make a sound
When I can’t turn back around
When the sky is falling down
Nothing is greater than this
Greater than this

Love is right here
Love is alive
Love is the way
The truth the life

Love is the river than flows through
Love is the arms that are holding you
Love is the place you will fly to
Love never fails you

The Christian Example - Romans 12:6-21

2009-04-19T09:31:00.004-04:00

“6 Having then gifts differing according to the grace that is given to us, whether prophecy, let us prophesy according to the proportion of faith; 7 Or ministry, let us wait on our ministering: or he that teaches, on teaching; 8 Or he that exhorts, on exhortation: he that gives, let him do it with simplicity; he that rules, with diligence; he that shows mercy, with cheerfulness. 9 Let love be without dissimulation. Abhor that which is evil; cleave to that which is good. 10 Be kindly affectionate one to another with brotherly love; in honor preferring one another; 11 Not slothful in business; fervent in spirit; serving the Lord; 12 Rejoicing in hope; patient in tribulation; continuing instant in prayer; 13 Distributing to the necessity of saints; given to hospitality. 14 Bless them which persecute you: bless, and curse not. 15 Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep. 16 Be of the same mind one toward another. Mind not high things, but condescend to men of low estate. Be not wise in your own conceits. 17 Recompense to no man evil for evil. Provide things honest in the sight of all men. 18 If it be possible, as much as lies in you, live peaceably with all men. 19 Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, says the Lord. 20 Therefore if your enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shall heap coals of fire on his head. 21 Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.” (Romans 12:6-21)

Loving one another doesn't seem like that hard of a concept for us as humans but it seems to be something we struggle with everyday. In the great metropolitan area of DC we see homeless, beggars, hungry - but we also see the angry, the hateful, the hurt, the weak. "Bless those who curse you." That's not an easy thing. Our blood pressure boils when someone honks at us because we sat at the green light for a second, or someone flips us off. "Bless those who curse you." "Love your neighbor".

I have a Christian Truth 'fish' (eating the Darwin 'fish') on the back of my car - it's a huge preventative to flipping someone off. If was to do that, how would that show them I am a Christian? It's a pretty simple concept but something I have a hard time with in so many aspects of my life. It comes down to much more simple things than even being nice to those who are hateful to you. I've heard a lot lately that a smile is the same in every language. I've been trying to smile more - at everyone I walk past, run by, drive by, etc. There was a man standing on the corner begging as I left the grocery store yesterday. He looked poor, disheveled and sad... as he walked by my car, he SMILED at me. It was a pure genuine smile. He didn't even come up to my car when I genuinely smiled back. I felt like his little light touched me. I reached into my console and saw pennies... with dollar bills sitting on top. I normally don't do this but I called out 'Sir' and he was grateful to accept what I gave him and said "God bless you." Yes, God blesses each of us... give to those who are less fortunate... He blessed me in our little transaction. Something I won't forget.

This passage tells us that we need to accept all of those who God has given blessings - prophecy, hospitality, ministry, teaching, ruling, mercy, giving, etc. We are all saved sinners that make up the body of Christ. The Church is not a building, not an institution, not a religion like so many mistake it for... it is a people. A group of sinners who gather at the feet of Christ. We each make up a different piece of that body and without the others, we will never be able to grow as we should.

I believe that I am changing pieces - possibly becoming the piece that I always should have been. I am becoming a light... a bright and shining light of what God has done in my life. I still fall, I still need to be picked up but who doesn't. I feel like God is showing me and allowing me to fall down so I have to depend on others to help me back up. If we don't depend on others, how can we really be part of the body of Christ? The light that shines through me comes out in my spreading God's love and hope. Maybe I am becoming the lips... or a hand to hold... or arms to hug. I'm not sure but I am striving to be at the feet of Jesus and to help others to know that wondrous peace that I have found. The peace of being a part of Christ's family.

Let's love each other - give to each other - help each other - we are all part of one body and those who are not part of that body should see the body as a place they want to run to. If we don't show them, who will?

Isaiah 26:3 - Peace Comes Through Trusting Him

2009-04-15T09:52:00.003-04:00

Each night before I go to bed, I pray... a heartfelt prayer of thankfulness, hope, guidance and peace. I've been asking a lot for forgiveness since I tend to stop and look at the flowers and then walk off on a side path while I should really being walking down the road of faithfulness with Him. I know God is listening and I know that every day He shows me new things about who I am, the woman I am becoming, the change in me that is becoming more apparent and so much more. No matter how much I stray from His righteous road, He brings me to my knees and I beg for forgiveness for the things I've made Him cry about.

Last night I read about seeing the signs God puts before us instead of being ignorant to them. I know that I pray a lot for guidance and question Him for the things that have happened in my life but I realize that I've passed by His signs and taken the wrong roads on my own. Looking back He always made it very clear that I was doing the wrong thing but has forgiven me and allowed me to make the best of it while learning from it in the end. These signs He's displaying are now becoming more clear and popping up everywhere, like billboards instead of hand-made yard sale signs.

This morning while doing my devotional, I mixed up verses and read a different one from the one laid out for today. Instead of Psalm 26:2-3, I read Isaiah 26:2-3 - my bible was even open to Isaiah when I opened it. It says: "Open the gates, that the righteous nation may enter, the one that remains faithful. The steadfast of mind Thou wilt keep in perfect peace, Because he trusts in me." Even the verses I was supposed to read today go hand in hand with this: "Examine me, O Lord, and try me; test my mind and heart. For Thy lovingkindness is before my eyes, and I have walked in Thy truth."

I ask God for peace about my house situation in CA, my new career move, if I am meant to stay in the DC area, friends of mine, who I am becoming, etc. I ask for peace... but all He said is that I have to trust in Him and He will give me the perfect peace. 'The steadfast mind Thou will keep in perfect peace." How much simpler can it be said?

Trust that God will take up your worry - just give it all to Him. He has such great things in store for me and you... are you open to allowing them to happen?

Love Your Neighbor

2009-04-13T08:10:00.003-04:00

A spiritual attack is not a battle of flesh but a battle of something out of our understanding and control but how we deal with a spiritual attack is within our control. The most at-risk for a spiritual attack are new believers and effective believers. I've never been someone that Satan has to worry about. Most of my life I've done and said the right things at the right times and pretended to be an upstanding member of the community. I was a good person but being a Christian goes way deeper than just being a good person. I know many good people who aren't believers and that doesn't make them Christian.

Over the last 6 months or so I've been pushing myself with two things: exercise and God. They both come with the same growing pains and difficulties. With running I have to push myself past the feelings of 'can't' and realize that I can and I will keep going. With God I have to continually push past the feelings of 'no time' and realize that I can make time and will keep talking to Him. Because of my pushing myself, I've crossed the finish line of a 10-miler and am running God's race showing Him that I stand for everything that He is. I am his daughter and will show the world that I am.

Through pushing myself and constantly talking to God, I have become a strong, communicative Christian (well, I'm still working at it) and this has caused me to become a formidable enemy of Satan. Satan doesn't care about people who are like I used to be. Those who say they are Christians and don't act like it are his favorites... he doesn't even have to coerce them into doing un-Godly things, they can do it all on their own which pushes God further away. Now that I have started walking the walk, I am starting to see what Frank Peretti illustrates in his books about spiritual warfare. It's ugly and I believe I'm just seeing the beginning of it. As a practicing Christian, I will have to stand up and allow the angels above me to fight the demons and learn to walk away or not accept invitations to put myself in Satan's path.

To explain... Easter was a beautiful day with a lot of growth for me. My eyes were opened to really seeing what Easter was all about for the first Easter. I've been to 29 Easter services and this one really got me. God allowed me to just soak in His presence and I reveled in it thinking that no one could take it away from me. That evening, I went to Easter dinner at a friend's family members house, a man who is openly gay and in his 50's. I have always been accepting of anyone's background and who they are and don't impose my beliefs on anyone. The evening started off fine enough with talk of the day, learning about each other, etc and I was told that I was very pretty and probably got through life easier because of my looks. I didn't take anything offensively and we got through dinner with only a few little snippy comments about my lack of voting and belief of Jesus.

Nearing the end of dinner, I started seeing hate in his eyes and the conversation was directly attacking me. My attacker was sitting in front of me, a man who I had only just met, telling me that I was an imbecile, had no brain, got by on looks alone, had no sense of the world, Jesus was a myth, people from the country know nothing, etc etc etc. After listening to this and only slightly defending myself, my friend jumped in and his hate got more vengeful. It became a full-on attack of my character and beliefs and hate just flew from his mouth. I realized at around the point that tears started welling up in my eyes that this was not a physical attack but a spiritual one. I found that Satan had been sitting in his lair and I was invited to enter. All evening I was made fun of by a man who knew nothing about me and although he had no reason to jump on me, I knew it wasn't really him.

As I was getting up to leave, this man repeated "You will think back on this night when I'm long dead and realized that it was lifechanging." How prophetic, only not in the way he believed. I left shaking violently and found my way home crying realizing that I was just assaulted by a man who stands for everything my God stands against. The attack was out of nowhere but I put myself in that position and realized that I will not allow that to happen again.

Since last night I've felt drained but have continued talking to God, asking Him to take care of my friend and to find a way to keep me from being hardened toward people like him. This was not a battle of flesh but of spirits. I look back on that dining room and see the battle going on over our heads.

My Bible study this morning was based on Luke 10:25-37. Luke 10:27 says "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind.' and 'Love your neighbor as yourself'." It talked about our relationships with others being a direct reflection of our relationship with Christ. It's very true and is helping me to understand how I can't hate this man for what he has done or who he is. Even though he has attacked me, I did what was right and didn't allow myself to say hateful words in return or feel hatred for him. He is my neighbor and God loves him even though He doesn't love what he does.

I realized that this moment was something I would remember for the rest of my life... just as he said. I have to take this as a HUGE compliment since Satan attacks new Christians and effective Christians. I must be a new, effective Christian... even though I've known Christ my whole life, my relationship with Him now is so brand new. If Satan is worried and will attack because of this, bring it on. I'm ready - I have God and his whole host of angels on my side. I will love my neighbors no matter what they do or say to me. I can do nothing more. God is my father - how can I fail?!

Cherry Blossom 10-miler - I DID IT!!!

2009-04-06T15:33:00.003-04:00

April 5, 2009
6:00am: Woke up with a sore throat and a worry that I was late for the race. "Give Me Your Eyes" by Brandon Heath was playing and Michele prayed healing over me

6:30am: Bailey is walked, I'm putzing around afraid that when I leave, I won't be coming back

7:00am: finally on Metro but now afraid the race would start without me

7:35am: at the race, stuck in the middle of all the slow runners

7:40am: the fast runners start running

7:56am: Put in my headphones and finally crossed the start line

First two miles: slow jogging... trying to get around the super slow people. Wondering how I'd finish in under 2:20 if people are so slow

Blur: that's how the rest of it went. Around mile 6, realized I was going to explode if I didn't pee and finally found a bathroom that didn't have an hour-long line. Overall, quite an easy run - no hills, only dodging slow runners. Took up most of energy dodging slow runners and took 10-second breaks to get water. Amazed that there were so few cherry blossom trees en route but also didn't look for them. Lots of people wearing pink (including me). Lots of people with sweaty bums. Wish I had 'run and not grow weary' printed on the back of my shirt. Saw guy with 'Up Yours' on his back.

Last two miles: Finally found some Gatorade and took off - ready to conquer the last 2 miles. Saw Kristin cheering at Mile 8. Excited to almost be done. Mile 9 was a bit tough but the knowledge that it was almost over helped. A girl was holding a sign with 'free lap dance at finish line' on it... ?? Mile 9.5 was rough since it was the only hill but told self that all I did was hills so this was cake. Last .25 mile was downhill and right to the finish line... sprinted... faster than I ever have before... I am fast, fast like wind.

Finish line: I DID IT!!!! 1:41:43.

The whole race was pretty easy, didn't run at my full speed but just wanted to finish. Couldn't run at full speed due to super slow people. Wanted to complete race in 1:45 but REALLY wanted to do it in under 1:40. Realize now that there's no way I'm running with the super slow people again... not my style. But hey, this was the first 10-miler... now have the summer to train for Half-Marathon! WOO HOO!

Thank you for all the support, all the love and encouragement and a special thanks to Michele for waking up early with me, going down and standing for 2 hours waiting for me and being ridiculously cheerful - only to go back on Metro and go home. Friends are there for a reason... she proved what a great friend she is. We're all part of a team... GO TEAM!