Spiritual Journey: Breaking the Habits

Since my divorce almost 6 years ago, I've been searching for myself. I had realized when I left my marriage that I had no idea who I was because I was trying so hard to be the woman my husband wanted. Once I was out on my own, I searched in all the wrong places for the things that I thought would make me whole - all the things of this world. I kept going to church and although my faith was getting stronger in such small ways, I never found 'it'. I never pushed hard enough and always fell back on the things that were not right for my walk with God. I became hardened and bitter with each passing year against the idea of love, the idea of finding the truth, the idea of finding myself. I kept thinking I was never going to make it and no one really cared about me.

As most of you know, I am an overwhelmingly honest person, mostly to a fault. I have never had a problem being myself in front of people and they know what they are getting when they befriend me. I do not befriend people who can't handle my personality and steer clear of those who make themselves out to be 'perfect' as I am just a normal girl trying to find her way in the world. I had always talked about changing and becoming someone who was more accepted and less set in my ways but what I didn't realize was that I am who I am and that will never change.

I got to a place of wanting true change (in the wrong direction) about 18 months ago and decided to plow into a new relationship with the idea that I could be a different person than who I am. It should have ended on the second date due to realizing that I would never fit into his life but I decided I wanted badly to be a perfect woman in a perfect relationship with a perfect guy. The reflection of who I wanted to be and who I thought he wanted me to be. This led to my deception, deception to him and myself. I did everything I could to hide the true me because every time it came to the surface, it was pushed back under water and not allowed to breathe. So, I started weaving a lie about who I was which, as all lies are, was eventually found out and caused a long(LONG) series of explosions and pain for both of us. In the end, bad communication became habit for both of us, keeping things to myself became a way to try to hide even little things, and hatred of each other that had been pushed down for so long came ringing through. As all relationships that start with a lack of 'you', it screeched to a halt over and over again until it just blew up. This does not make me sad - it gives me full self-realization that I must be myself at all costs - even losing the man I believed I loved.

Habits are hard to break. A friend told me once that it takes 40 days of doing the same thing 16 times a day to break a habit. If you want to be yourself and stop lying to yourself and others about who you really are, you must tell yourself who you really are 16x a day for 40 days. Instead of doing this, I have decided to take it one step further with praying and talking through my insecurities, my worries, my hurt, my deception, and my growth for a year. My friends and confidantes know exactly who I am, where I come up short and how imperative it is for me to be the woman I really am instead of the person I think others want me to be. I lack control when it comes to temptation in many different avenues as most people do. Temptation is not the sin but acting on it is. Removing the temptation will allow me to break the habit. Keeping myself from the thought of needing to be someone else around anyone will allow me to keep my head clear, my eyes on Christ and my thoughts pure.

Everyone has bad habits, I don't need to list mine here for you. Those closest to me know exactly what has caused me to take a year off and allow me to become the woman I should have been. I will have no reason to lie about who I am if I am able to just be myself and this year will give me the freedom to find out who I really am. I know that God will lead me to the places He has prepared for me. I just need to take baby steps, clear out my life and my head and push forward down that path toward Him.