The Beginning of My Journey
This journey of spiritual growth and self-awareness has been a bumpy one so far. I've moved off the path of the journey and gone away to find myself entangled in deception and pain and realized that I was not on the right path again. The right path is the path of Christ, the path that will save me from all of my worldly hindrances and give me a peaceful place to rest.
The first few days of this journey pulled me off on a side road and had me stall in my reaching for Christ. I went back to the things I swore off and chose to believe in those more than Christ and put them above Him. Why? Because I'm an addict. I've become so addicted to these things that I
couldn't stop thinking about how wonderful they could be and continue to forget how badly disfunctional they really are. Deception pulled me back out and the pain of that gave me the chance to walk away for the last and final time. I will not stall again. I will walk forward, even if it is slowly but I will not walk backward again.
This journey that I am on is one of faith, passion, pursuit and hunger. I am starving for the love that God so freely gives and not because He won't give it but because I find myself in unhealthy relationships and this stifles my relationship with God. I look for love in the wrong places, I seek favor and acceptance from the wrong people, I leave those who love me behind for those who can't possibly - and for what? A few seconds of joy. This joy that never lasts, never fills me up and always lets me down when it's over.
I look around me and see the beauty God gave us, the wealth of opportunity, the incredible happiness he has bestowed and I wonder why I keep pushing it all away for something that doesn't even accept the 'real me'. I know that I can be an incredibly strong Christian woman with a courageous heart and a mighty soul but I am weak to the prison that is my sin. I choose to do the things I know I shouldn't do in pursuit of something I shouldn't have. I want so badly to be loved that I forget God's love. Now that I am finally back on the path, limping a little but definitely on the path, I find myself pushing forward as if I'm in a race and I just want to glimpse the finish line but I know it's a thousand miles away. One foot in front of the other is all I can do at this point.
I woke up yesterday to the song 'Going Through the Motions' by Matthew West on the Christian Rock station and it's been with me since then - 2 full days of just repeating those words.
I don’t wanna go through the motions
I don’t wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don’t wanna spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything?
Instead of going through the motions
I honestly don't want to go through the motions anymore. I don't want to call myself a Christian and then find out that hell is really meeting the person you could have been. I want to be the person that others look at and say 'she's obviously figured it out'. My light has been out for the last few weeks and I want it back. I've been calling myself a Christian since I was a kid but not actually living it out. I'm sick of living a life of purity with other Christians and then going home to sin privately. I want to be a woman of God, His daughter. I want my light to come shining through in everything that I do.
God has blessed me so incredibly and this fast will allow me to really live out His plans for me without the distraction of men in my life. I was reading I Peter 3:8-12 during my devotions tonight and it really struck me that the relationships I have had were unGodly in more ways than I even thought, going against exactly what He's asked of me since He says:
8Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. 9Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing. 10For,
"Whoever would love life
and see good days
must keep his tongue from evil
and his lips from deceitful speech.
11He must turn from evil and do good;
he must seek peace and pursue it.
12For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous
and his ears are attentive to their prayer,
but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil."
I want to make sure to follow this to a T from now on. To give those who insult me blessings. To seek God's peace AND pursue it. Not just seek it but actually go AFTER it... run after it and really feel like I'm finding what He wants for me, not just what I want. I need to cure my addiction, cleanse my heart and my life and give myself the ability to find what it is that God has ready for me. This is just the beginning. Ready, set, pray!
The first few days of this journey pulled me off on a side road and had me stall in my reaching for Christ. I went back to the things I swore off and chose to believe in those more than Christ and put them above Him. Why? Because I'm an addict. I've become so addicted to these things that I
couldn't stop thinking about how wonderful they could be and continue to forget how badly disfunctional they really are. Deception pulled me back out and the pain of that gave me the chance to walk away for the last and final time. I will not stall again. I will walk forward, even if it is slowly but I will not walk backward again.This journey that I am on is one of faith, passion, pursuit and hunger. I am starving for the love that God so freely gives and not because He won't give it but because I find myself in unhealthy relationships and this stifles my relationship with God. I look for love in the wrong places, I seek favor and acceptance from the wrong people, I leave those who love me behind for those who can't possibly - and for what? A few seconds of joy. This joy that never lasts, never fills me up and always lets me down when it's over.
I look around me and see the beauty God gave us, the wealth of opportunity, the incredible happiness he has bestowed and I wonder why I keep pushing it all away for something that doesn't even accept the 'real me'. I know that I can be an incredibly strong Christian woman with a courageous heart and a mighty soul but I am weak to the prison that is my sin. I choose to do the things I know I shouldn't do in pursuit of something I shouldn't have. I want so badly to be loved that I forget God's love. Now that I am finally back on the path, limping a little but definitely on the path, I find myself pushing forward as if I'm in a race and I just want to glimpse the finish line but I know it's a thousand miles away. One foot in front of the other is all I can do at this point.
I woke up yesterday to the song 'Going Through the Motions' by Matthew West on the Christian Rock station and it's been with me since then - 2 full days of just repeating those words.
I don’t wanna go through the motions
I don’t wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don’t wanna spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything?
Instead of going through the motions
I honestly don't want to go through the motions anymore. I don't want to call myself a Christian and then find out that hell is really meeting the person you could have been. I want to be the person that others look at and say 'she's obviously figured it out'. My light has been out for the last few weeks and I want it back. I've been calling myself a Christian since I was a kid but not actually living it out. I'm sick of living a life of purity with other Christians and then going home to sin privately. I want to be a woman of God, His daughter. I want my light to come shining through in everything that I do.
God has blessed me so incredibly and this fast will allow me to really live out His plans for me without the distraction of men in my life. I was reading I Peter 3:8-12 during my devotions tonight and it really struck me that the relationships I have had were unGodly in more ways than I even thought, going against exactly what He's asked of me since He says:
8Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. 9Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing. 10For,
"Whoever would love life
and see good days
must keep his tongue from evil
and his lips from deceitful speech.
11He must turn from evil and do good;
he must seek peace and pursue it.
12For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous
and his ears are attentive to their prayer,
but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil."
I want to make sure to follow this to a T from now on. To give those who insult me blessings. To seek God's peace AND pursue it. Not just seek it but actually go AFTER it... run after it and really feel like I'm finding what He wants for me, not just what I want. I need to cure my addiction, cleanse my heart and my life and give myself the ability to find what it is that God has ready for me. This is just the beginning. Ready, set, pray!
Labels: blessing, deception, fasting, God, journey, prayer, self-awareness, spiritual growth, Spirituality
posted by Melanie Spring at
8:40 PM
1 Comments:
Melanie ~ Acknowledging the inability for brothers & sisters to do anything in this world without the hand of God directly involved was the most...wonderful confession I've ever read. I find myself with wet eyes as I see you're struggle unfold in your blog, and it helps me to realize that I'm not alone in my own. Living for Christ versus just accepting Christ are world's apart in faith and understanding. Seeing someone other than myself allow God to move in their lives in such a way that they 'see' the true depth of understanding of living for Christ is such an uplifting experience as a child of our beloved Father.
I thank God for revealing to me true brothers & sisters who really desire to have a relationship with God. I am also thankful that these true brothers & sisters are not perfect, nor stereotypically 'Christian', or any other perfected mirage. They're real people with real problems, yet the only thing that separates those who truly believe is a the most simplistic value; to have faith like a child.
I see your desire in your words, and I wanted you to know that it has done the work of the Holy Spirit as I am sure God intended. It's help build faith in others, as He has built in yours. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
A friend.
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